And several times a day, I get cold feet. The thought of marriage suddenly sends me into a paroxysm of uncertainty. I worry I'm getting married too soon, I'm rushing into something. I've known my sweetie less than four months. People usually wait a year or two to get married. Am I out of my mind?
Because we have a no-secrets pact, I have told James this, although I don't bother telling him every time I'm gripped by anxiety. He is not offended or hurt when I admit this. He says he understands my equivocation. He, however, has no trepidation. He is ready at a moment's notice. He is sure.
Why is this happening? I love this man dearly. I cannot imagine I could ever love anyone like I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am terrified of ever losing him. I cannot even imagine a future without him. If something were to happen to him, I can't imagine not slashing my wrists.
So why the hell are my feet blue and shivering like this? What's wrong with me? Why these retrogressions?
When I've asked married girlfriends about this, I get cozy reassurances like, "you'll get over it -- everybody goes through this." Uh, okay. That helped lots. (Sorry, I know you mean well, but...)
Part of the reason I'm equivocating may be that I've never taken a step this monumentally important. Yes, I've moved in with guys before. I've journeyed from continent to continent and recently from America to Australia. Big changes but not irreversible. But marriage is forever. It's discarding a lifestyle, the single girl, albeit a lot of that was irresponsibly lived in my case. Ahead is marriage and children and responsibility and mortgages and middle age and grandchildren and old age.
Ah, there I'm on to something. Maybe it's about growing older.
Maybe it's about growing up.
Shit. Maybe it's time I have to do some of that.
I have a friend in Los Angeles, a woman I'll call Alexis, who is in her mid-forties, once a dancer, now a restauranteur and playgirl with a new man every season, many of them far younger and every one gorgeous. I once thought of Alexis as something of a mentor and role model. I wanted to be like her when I got older. When you asked Alexis whether she would ever get married, you'd get a wry face and a "you can't possibly be serious, girl."
So getting married is not only about setting a boundary between who I was and who I will become, it means closing certain doors forever to possible futures. That means I can't be like Alexis. So I'm also setting a boundary between who I will be and who I once thought I might be. The future is about limitations.
I don't often feel any age difference with James. He is wiser, more reasoned, much more rational than I am, but those are not necessarily attributes brought only by time. His age, however, gives him a certain perspective and confidence. He was once something like the male equivalent of Alexis, carefree and fun-loving with a long parade of women through his bedroom, but at 38, he's ready to put all that behind him. That's why he knows, without a doubt, he wants to marry me.
That may be the biggest reason I'm feeling these cold feet. I think age brings a certain perspective I do not yet have. He's been to the top of the mountain and has seen what he wanted. I feel like I've yet to finish that trek. At the same time, I certainly don't want to wait until I'm 38 to settle down. I may not have known that last year, but I know that now.
But I'm at this crossroads sooner than I ever thought I might be until very recently.
My sweetie is not pressuring me in any way. He does not bring up the subject unless I do. But yesterday was December 12, the first day we could legally marry (this post explained the importance of that date). So the calendar is staring me in the face. I have tentatively picked a day, but that can be easily changed...or moved up...or abandoned. James does not yet know that day; only I and the possible marriage officiator do
Marriage is a big leap of faith that involves a scary flight of hope and confidence with a dash of dreams. I imagine I'm freaking needlessly. I imagine, not too long in the future, I'll look back on this gibberish and laugh at my anxiety. I'll be the one dishing out those cheery "don't worry, everybody goes through it" bon mots to some other quavering girl in my place.
I showed this entry to James for his opinion and insight, as he does before I post each one. He smiled while reading it, then kissed me on the crown of my head and said, "Don't eat yourself up over this kitten. If and when you're ready, I'm ready. I'll wait as long as you want."
5 comments:
i have this take on marriage. it's a ceremony to express the commitment you've *already* made. when you've made that commitment with your heart, body, and spirit 100% to yourself and the other person, a piece of paper seems trivial. it sounds like you're already devoted to him. enjoy it and don't worry about the piece of paper :)
I have no advice on this topic other than to say mention of cold feet brought to mind "you know who" and all the drama that involved!
"Don't eat yourself up over this, kitten."
I couldn't agree more. Stop thinking about it and write a sex story or something. I also agree with g111y—why can't you and Jimbo just keep doing what you've been doing?
marriage, like any relationship, is defined only by those 2 people, their needs, desires, and commitment to each other in whatever form they want it to take. the future is full of great possibilities, not limitations.
(recently found your blog, btw, and love it)
I think g111y nailed it, or at least she seems to agree with what I've thought for a long time. I never got into people putting men down for being "afraid to commit" because they didn't feel ready for marriage yet. If I've been fsithful, haven't I already shown a willingness to commit to this relationship? And when you say "Yes" to being asked for your hand in marriage, you are then cementing that commitment - the ceremony that follows should never be the final straw since this marriage is NOT for the benefit of witnesses. Echoing what Lauren said, it's not the witnesses' marriage - it would be between you and James only.
"Part of the reason I'm equivocating may be that I've never taken a step this monumentally important."
Of course not - you obviously have an idea that a marriage between two people is the highest step they can take together. That and the fact that it would seem like such a departure from your previous life, which is, relatively speaking, all you've ever known. And cold feet here isn't necessarily a sign of doubt of your commitment to James, but perhaps a hope that you don't screw it up somehow. You say you can't imagine another day without him, and that's a nice feeling, isn't it? Thus it's easy to understand why you might have doubts about being able to maintain for a lifetime what you have with him now. We'd all feel that way around a potential soulmate. You just want it to work. Well. Every day.
But don't be a perfectionist about this. There are going to be days where you think you'd rather just be alone, or where you drive each other nuts. That's just the need everyone has for a little "me" time. No biggie. Respect each others' needs and you can work through those days.
And please don't get caught up in the timeline effect. "I've known my sweetie less than four months. People usually wait a year or two to get married. Am I out of my mind?" Your feelings for another person (and his for you) do not become more or less valid just because of what the calendar says. That said, I don't know you nor James, so I couldn't tell you what to do here, especially not after reading a bunch of words on a screen. But don't worry about others giving their approval, especially based on some arbitrary timeline. Who said "waiting 1-2 years" is a prerequisite, anyway? That is arbitrary - it's something people say because they think it sounds credible. But that certainly does not apply to every single coupling in the world. If you do hold off for a few more months, do it because that's when you're ready and not because it fit arbitrary parameters. Besides, there's always going to be some wiseass who thinks you messed up - "you can't please everyone," you know.
Just make sure you please yourselves. When you each know your own minds and the other's mind and there's absolutely no doubt that you want to take that leap, then there's no reason you shouldn't. And remember: the wedding day may be a beautiful day, but it's really just the ceremony that makes your marriage "official." The marriage is what follows it, and that is what has to work. Who cares if the photographer's 15 minutes late? Roll with it.
And good luck. : )
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