you're too short luv

Darling husband already had a booking agent for modeling when I moved with him to Australia, so the latter kindly signed me, too. Truth be told, it's not the Ford Agency and more on the ranks of Broadway Danny Rose.

Now I know I will never be a supermodel. I'm halfway between five foot six and five foot seven. Most female models who earn serious coin are close to six feet if not taller. So I have my feet firmly on the ground.

Even with an agent, you have to do much of your own self promotion. I've been hammering away for the last several weeks in particular now that James is no longer working every day.

Needless to say, most of the time when the agent calls, it's a gig for darling husband. When I asked the other day if he had any nibbles for me, the agent said, "nothing really, you're a lovely girl but you're too short luv so you know how it goes." Well, I knew that so I wasn't really stung.

The gig for James was a one-day commercial shoot for some print ads featuring a new apartment complex here in Sydney, so I went with him. Several males and females were cast to look like happy resident dwellers at the complex, doing happy couple things like cookouts, swimming, picking up mail in the lobby, and so forth.

So James was paired with this tallish woman who was as dumb as a box of rocks and couldn't take simple instructions for the life of her. The photographer spent so much time patiently explaining basic poses for her. The woman could not tell "left" from "right" no matter how many times she tried to "turn to the left more."

I'm sitting there watching this and thinking, well, if I was four inches taller, I could be doing that. But some nitwit somewhere decided that James's actual wife wouldn't really look like his hypothetical wife so instead a taller lintbrain was necessary.

I'm sure countless potential apartment dwellers would be turned off by the ads if they saw some short woman enjoying the facilities.

prince charming

My friend Amanda has a wonderful expression when she sees a completely improbable man.

"Be still my heart."

What was running through his mind when he decided to ink himself up like this? That it made him more attractive, more alluring to the opposite sex? Does he really think a woman would want to pass time with a guy sporting a tattoo on his throat reading "Fuck Bitches"?

Imagine also his employment future with this sort of look. I'm sure many finer stores and establishments desperately want a guy meeting and greeting customers with "Down 4 My Shit" emblazoned across his forehead. And is it just me or does this guy look like he plucks his eyebrows?

He obviously has some sort of criminal record because this is, indeed, a mugshot. He so easily blends in with any crowd, it's hard to imagine how he was ever arrested.

ten scientific reasons to have sex

I found this same list multiple places on the internet. I have no idea if the information is accurate, but how could you argue with logic like this? Guys, if your special lady every tries the "I've got a headache" route, I suggest keeping this handy for rebuttal purposes, particularly item nine.

1. Scientific tests have found that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes, and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can undertake. It stretches and tones just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming twenty laps, and you don’t need special shoes.

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is ten times more effective than Valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

it's not nice to brag

Honestly, Michelle, I don't think we needed to know that. But we're happy for you nonetheless. And, hey, this is my 200th blog post!

vacuum cleaner sex

A Michigan man was sentenced this week to ninety days in prison for performing a sex act on a car wash vacuum. Imagine having your name plastered all over international news for that claim to fame.

Can you imagine how he'll have to explain that away when a potential employer asks if he has any criminal convictions? "Yes, I did rutt a vacuum cleaner in a public place, but oh you should have seen it, so sweet, so young, just a heart-breaker."

I did a Google search to see what kind of picture I might find to accompany this post and found that public vacuum sex is something of a trend. I found a news item about an office cleaner in London, at a children's hospital no less, who was sacked for publicly humping the Hoover.

Imagine explaining that in a job interview. "And tell me, Mr. Borkowski, why were you let go from your last position?"

Women who want to try this out can even buy a special attachment for her vacuum.

As for pictures, I found one of a woman tying up her sex slave with a vacuum cleaner cord. I found another picture of a man having intimate relations with a small vacuum on his kitchen table.

As for the image I selected, it accompanied a now-deleted article on the Daily Mail website, a Brit tabloid. I leave it to you to decide what this is all about.

surreal HNT

I was fooling around with Photoshop, trying various artsy effects on a photo Darling Husband had made of me poolside in my birthday suit when we were back in Las Vegas, and somehow I ended up with the effect pictured below for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday.

I have not a clue how I managed to do this and don't think I could repeat it again if I tried. I dialed the blue way up, then turned it into a negative, but what I did thereafter eludes me. Nonetheless, I like the effect. I'm technically "half nekkid" because I'm wearing sunglasses. As always, if you click on the image, you can see a much larger version.

wednesday weirdness

Hooray for the Wednesday Weirdness website. They post their meme questions very early the day before so those of us Down Under have time to answer before the target day is over. So here are my answers:

1. What is your significant others worst habit?

I don't know if this qualifies as a "habit" but Darling Husband barbecues meat sometimes three times a day: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Weightlifters need tons of protein so he has ridiculous eating habits. The other weird things I can handle -- the uncooked oatmeal with no water or the four cans of tuna fish for breakfast. But the meat cooked until it's super extra well done makes me want to gag sometimes.

I should add this is the only thing that I find disagreeable about him so I have no real room to complain.

2. What piece of clothing that isn't lingerie or an undergarment do you have that you feel especially sexy in?

Probably the red dress. That drives him wild, and when he's turned on, I'm turned on.

3. If you could drink only two beverages for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

Iced mint tea and grapefruit juice (not together). I make the mint tea very strong.

4. What is your worst habit?

Not staying in touch with people. I've moved quite a few times in my adult life, and I'm terrible about staying in touch with good friends I leave behind. I think of them often, so I suspect that makes me feel like I'm more in touch with them than I am.

5. Are you superstitious in any way?

Yes, somewhat. I tend not to begin anything on a Friday because that allegedly brings bad luck to the endeavor. I also err on the side of caution, because I feel by doing that, then misfortune won't happen. For example, I always leave extra early for an important appointment -- if I do that, then I think I won't run into bad traffic or have a flat tire. But if I cut it tight, then misfortune could happen.

6. What kind of shopping do you hate doing most? (Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, shoe shopping, etc.)

I like grocery shopping. I'm very frugal so it's always a challenge for me to get the best buys, to take advantage of sales, to remember what the prices are at other stores, etc. Darling husband finds this amusing beause he never pays any attention to price when shopping. I'm not a big clothes shopper so I don't do that for a hobby, but once a shopping endeavor is necessary and underway, the frugal shopper in me enjoys getting the best deal possible. I only really shop for clothes when I need them. I don't splurge or shop for recreation.

7. What was a "fad" you remember from your childhood?

I was a total Beanie Baby maniac when I was in second and third grade. I had a huge collection, plus I traded and sold them to get the rarer ones.

I'm not a twit(erer)

I just can't get into Twitter. I'm really enjoying blogging, and I love my X-rated Tumblr page, but the whole point of Twitter is lost to me. Why not just dash off interesting lines and throw them up with your blog or Tumblr page?

I made four entries on my Twitter page in five months. All but one of them were about how I just wasn't inspired to Twit. (Is that the correct verb?) I tried to delete my account, but that's not possible on Twitter, so I simply made it private.

I'm not alone. Apparently Barack Obama has dumped his Twitter page, too. He hasn't posted in months either.

When I read other people's Twitter pages, when I don't know them, they generally either make no sense or are completely banal.

I wonder what Andy Warhol would have thought of Twitter? I suspect he would have been a Twitter addict. The experience may have also caused him to revisit his famous quote, more along the lines of "in the future everybody will be famous for fifteen nanoseconds."

Now what does the naked woman have to do with Twitter? Frankly nothing, except to underscore the point you can't have naughty pictures on your Twitter page.

you're too normal

I once asked my screenwriter friend Ed if he thought I'd make a good comedy writer. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, and sometimes I come up with a decent joke or pun.

"Nah," he said. "You're too normal."

I asked him to explain. He said most comedy writers he knew were morose, depressed, dysfunctional, and asocial. As I got to know him -- and some of his comedy writer friends -- I came to realize he was right.

With time, I went to a few writer parties with him. The group of laughing, joking writers in a throng would invariably be drama writers who wrote for some rip-your-guts-out TV drama. The scowling, squinting misfits sitting alone more often than not were comedy writers who could come up with some of the funniest stuff you ever heard.

I've always been amused by dismotivational posters you see here and there on the Internet, and was pleased recently to find a website where you can make some yourself. All you need is a picture and a sense of humor.

I present my inaugural motivational poster. Maybe I'd never make a comedy writer, but this made me chuckle. Having a good picture, of course, helps too.

You may need to click on the image to see the larger version in order to read it.

police seek subway pole dancer

I stumbled on a story online about Bucharest police hunting down a woman who gave free pole dances on the city subway.

Passengers described the dancer as a "well-dressed, attractive, student-like young woman."

The woman performs her routine between stops, to the tune of Tom Jones’ "You Can Leave Your Hat On." She starts the track up on a portable CD player then removes her clothes and gyrates around one of the train's handrails.

Once the track finishes she puts her clothes back on and passes around a collection can donations.

One passenger who witnessed the act, said: "I can’t say I didn’t like the show but I found it unusual. There are lots of kids who travel by underground and I just don’t think it’s proper."

If apprehended, the woman could face charges of indecent exposure and public begging.

With all the talk of "going green," I think this is a prime example of government stupidity in action. Think of how much ridership could improve because of what this woman is doing. Think of the environmental benefit, smaller carbon footprint, all that good stuff. The woman should be getting a government grant, not handcuffs

one-second film noir

I love this little gif clip. Is he just imagining her? Is he reading something salacious in his novel in the library and fantasizing about the stranger sitting across from him? Is he plotting some terrible crime or simply a pickup line?

Why is she rubbing her thighs together? What could possibly get her excited in the newspaper like that? Or does she know he's looking and lusting after her? Does she do this to all young men in the library?

Natasha Richardson RIP

What terribly sad news to hear of the untimely death of Natasha Richardson. She has always been one of my favorite actresses.

I think some of her best work was in early films like Patty Hearst and The Comfort of Strangers. She was also exceptional in the recent films Asylum and Evening. Unfortunately, as of late, she had been cast in crap like Maid in Manhattan, which was way beneath her talent because Hollywood is clueless about what to do with women when they pass forty.

I was privileged to see her perform on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire. Although she wouldn't have been my first choice for Blanche DuBois, she nonetheless filled the role with her usual intensity. She had the power to convey so much with just an expression while not uttering a word. Her Blanche had a fragile toughness not seen in more straightforward interpretations.

A true Redgrave, she was not afraid of controversy, although she was more restrained than her mother. I recall seeing a picture of Richardson hoisting up her gown a little too high as she walked up the steps to some important premiere. She apparently just laughed when someone pointed this out to her. She was not afraid of her own sexuality. While her husband, Liam Neeson, is not one of my favorite actors, you got a sense the two were very much in love with each other. Both had such a sexual dynamism you had to imagine they were scorching hot lovers.

Had she lived, I think Richardson would have grown in stature in her later years as her acting talents continued to expand. Her death was a profound loss for her many fans.

hnt desktop

I was trying to think of something different to do for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday. I came up with the idea of using a self-portrait from the nude beach for my desktop image on Windows, then positioned some strategic icons. I already have an idea for a much naughtier desktop HNT!

the audreys

After I left my last employer in Vegas, I took a musical hiatus for a while. When you're up on stage all day dancing with music pounding in your ears, all you want is a little peace and quiet. Darling husband would occasionally put on soft music, and I might listen to Vivaldi or Brian Eno while doing yoga, but otherwise our lives were without soundtrack for the time being.

I've been gradually listening to more music lately, and one group I've recently discovered and very much enjoy is The Audreys, a blues/roots group from Adelaide in South Australia. The absolutely adorable Taasha Coates, pictured below, sings vocals for the group, and she has a lovely, clear voice that is so endearing. You can hear some of their recorded tracks on their MySpace page.

I have a sense The Audreys are not well known outside of Australia, but they certainly should be.

model riot

You may have heard about the riots that broke out over the weekend at tryouts for "America's Next Top Model." The Daily News has a pretty extensive piece about the fiasco with lots of photos and video footage so I won't rehash all the details.

Much of the coverage about the incident has been rather obnoxious, in my opinion. The press is having a field day about "catwalk catfights" and "catwalk-craving cuties."

I'm not amused. I've always thought ANTM heartlessly exploited aspiring models, amongst others, and this debacle only underscores that. Their treatment of staff writers on the show has been abysmal.

To call the event poorly organized would be an understatement, and the aspiring models were treated like nothing more than stockyard cattle on their way to slaughter. Women were expected to stand in line overnight without bathroom facilities, no first aid was on hand, utterly no security was provided, you name it.

If you need another reason not to watch ANTM, I think this is a good one.

arborial ardor

Who says trees don't get horny? The picture below suggests otherwise.

If reincarnation exists, I hope I don't come back in my next life as some kind of plant. That would be seriously unsexy. Your libido is ruled by the random happenstance of some insect or bird rummaging around in your sex organs. A waylaid butterfly is as disappointing as premature ejaculation.

I'd much rather come back as a bonobo. They're the only other species, other than humans, that enjoy oral sex, mutual masturbation, and copious amount of sex. Of course, bonobos eat termites raw, but I imagine I could get used to that if I'm hungry enough.

a nice boost to the ego

I received a warning from Photobucket that I was close to exceeding my bandwidth. Considering I only have a few dozen images on Photobucket for this blog, and most images here are hosted at Picasa, I was sort of mystified by this.

So I checked my hits counter, which I haven't looked at in a long while, and this is what I found:


Holy crap. That means I'm getting almost 10,000 hits on this blog a day.

In the words of Sally Fields, "You like me! You really, really like me!"

So thank you readers!

apology

An anonymous reader posted the following comment last night: "I wonder why you never leave reciprocating comments on anyone else's site? I actually was a fan of your site *and* a consistent commenter....but when someone never reciprocates on others hnts or posts it become a moot point and a bit frustrating."

I apologize to whomever wrote this and to anyone else who feels this way. I tend to comment sparsely on other blogs. I do read them and have quite a few in my blog roll, plus more on my subscription list. I didn't want to appear like I was whoring my site on other people's blogs by leaving a lot of comments.

If the anonymous poster wishes to email me and tell me which is his or her blog, I will make a point to leave regular comments on your blog.

I do also appreciate everyone who leaves comments on my blog.

Now here's a fellow who seems very happy about whatever is in that letter...

antique smut

I am fascinated by antique pornography. The images themselves are no more erotic than modern-day smut, but the old stuff has an inherent risk that makes it so captivating.

Photos like the ones below could land people in jail and ruin reputations for a lifetime. I wonder most about the people who appeared in the pictures. Were the women actresses who had fallen on hard times? Prostitutes? Both?

And what about the men? They certainly looked like they were having a good time; they couldn't fake arousal in pre-Viagra days. Some of them are rather well built so they were either circus performers or some kind of laborers.

My friend Daniella has long collected antique erotic photographs which she buys on the internet. She's still working in Dubai, so she hasn't been able to add to her collection, given that kind of hobby there would land her in prison. "I miss my smut habit," she wrote me in a recent email.

What's interesting about this early stuff is that threesomes and moresomes are often depicted. That's a curious revelation about the prurient fantasies and fascinations of yesteryear.

arms and the man

Yes, I know most of you would rather see some insalubrious picture of me for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday. However, darling husband turned 39 this week, so he gets the honors today.

Shortly after we met, James corrected me when I said he was a bodybuilder. He eschews that term because he is, in fact, a weightlifter. Bodybuilders are interested in size whereas weightlifters are interested in strength. As a result, weightlifters can easily hoist heavier weights that bodybuilders cannot budge, even though the latter have larger-looking muscles.

He explained in great detail to me how this works, although I still really don't really understand it. I have watched him lift incredible weights in the gym that the big puffed up bodybuilders cannot.

What really matters, however, is he can lift me up and toss me over his shoulder one-handed when he carries me into the bedroom. And he never tires during standing sixty-nine. That's what's important, but not a skill recognized in weighlifting competition. Unfortunate, perhaps, because I suspect the sport would gain much wider recognition if these sorts of skills were made competitive.

about that wet spot in my panties

I liked this week's TMI Tuesday, but because they post the questions so late on Monday night, when Tuesday is already nearly over here, I have to answer a day late.

1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not?

While I think this is entirely a personal choice, I myself am very pro-marriage. I never used to be, but falling in love changed my perspective on this completely. I am more and more in love with darling husband every day, and the foreverness of marriage makes that all the more intense. I think it's one of those things, until you've experienced it yourself, you can't really understand what this means. True, I've been married less than three months, but the intensity keeps increasing exponentially.

2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?

Yes, but several times I subsequently saw other people doing it in porn, so I realized I didn't invent it. That doesn't diminish the enjoyment of it, however. My sweetie and I are both very much into eye contact during sex, so if we do something like doggystyle, we watch ourselves in the mirror in the bedroom so we can see the other's face and expressions. One day I got an idea to kneel on a firm cushion from the chair while he spread his legs somewhat and straddled me slightly as he entered from behind. Then I bent my legs up and caressed his buttocks with the bottoms of my feet as he slowly fucked me. We both found the experience intensely erotic, although I later saw someone do the same thing in porn. They weren't doing it in front of a mirror, however. The only downside to doing this is the position is hard on your kneecaps because you're resting on them somewhat unnaturally.

3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes?

Sometimes but not always and never with heavy restraint. I like the idea of being "captured" but not entirely helpless. Too much restraint takes away all the fun of struggling. I would never want to be tied up like the woman pictured below.

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery?

Personally no, but I think this entirely up to the couple. If you know your partner won't approve but you do it in secret, that's kind of shitty. I think any kind of sexual activity should be with mutual consent if not mutual participation.

5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?

Good lord no. I cannot cum through masturbation. Self or mutual masturbation is great foreplay, but it must lead to consummation or I am a very unhappy camper. I can, fortunately, cum if stimulated by my lover, but I still want some cunnilingus and a good fucking after that. I cum hardest through intercourse, so I'm not entirely satisfied if that doesn't happen.

6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?

Not with my husband. The only time I was frustrated was when he had his outpatient surgery, so he had a legitimate excuse. I think this is part of the reason why we're so compatible, because we both have a very high sex drive. Even if he's tired and had a very long day, if I start to get frisky, he'll respond. I'm pretty much the same way.

7. Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?

No, I actually get turned on by it. I like to see the woman respond, but I must confess the sadist in me likes that. She's turned on, but that's all she's going to get. There's a wonderful excitement in having the secret knowledge that I get to fuck him but she won't.

8. Do you think you're flirty by nature?

OMG yes. I'm an incurable flirt. I don't think I'm a cocktease, but I just can't help flirting. I think I'm a "nice flirt" or a "sweet flirt." I don't tease, I don't mock, but I do sort of purr all over. I smile. I compliment you. Why? Because I know you love that. I know you'll respond. I know I make you feel good. When I was an exotic dancer, I always smiled and flirted with men in my audience. I used to see other women dance, and it looked like they were bored and on another planet. There was no eye contact, no involvement, no interaction with the audience. I was the opposite way. I made it about you. I do little dances for darling husband this way, and he absolutely loves it. He has a great deal of self control and usually doesn't get hard until he has actual physical stimulation; however, I can dance him hard sometimes, and I love that. He never has any complaints about it either.

erotic interlude

I am traveling today with darling husband up to Brisbane for a photo shoot, so an abbreviated erotic interlude post today. I find I am often more attracted to monochromatic erotica. I wonder why that is?

kitchen porn

Ever notice that kitchens seem to be used more and more for porn sets these days. What's with that?

I don't think of kitchens as inherently sexy places. Rutting away atop counters or tables is not comfortable. Hard floors aren't either.

Porn producers seem to think by merely changing the location, somehow that makes the images fresher or more interesting. I don't think so.

Porn is so much oriented to volume and never seems terribly concerned with quality. There are a finite number of stock formulas in porn, any many are ridiculous. A guy delivers a pizza, and suddenly the female customer turns into a nymphomaniac. A plumber visits a woman's kitchen, and suddenly she becomes a nymphomaniac. A personal trainer visits, and suddenly the woman becomes a nymphomaniac. Is anyone seeing a pattern here?

My screenwriter friend Ed once told me memorable movies are made of interesting characters in unforgetable scenes. Think about the great classic films you love. I'll bet every one of them fits this bill.

I think that's an idea that some porn producers might consider.

Now at least this is something you don't see often. Wheelchair porn. Done tastefully, that could be very hot. The little dog sort of spoils it, as does this shitty lighting.

Maybe someday a producer will bring the sensibilities of steamy erotica to porn. It's artistic, it's gorgeous, and it's hot all at once. Best of all, it appeals both to your intellect and your libido.

the picture is unrelated

I stumbled on a irreverently funny website the other day called "Picture Is Unrelated" featuring surreally bizarre photographs that defy explanation. I've included a selection below, but for the full effect, click the link and check out the page.

The odd first one is even more strange if you're armed with the knowledge that Wicked is a hardcore porn producer. Perhaps Captain Crossdresser has visions of double-penetraton stardom.

truth in advertising

As darling husband said, "if this guy is juicing, he's wasting his money."

James can usually tell at a glance if someone is using steroids or other enhancements. I always thought it made guys gigantic, but not necessarily so, he says. But now I'm starting to notice too how the juicers do look different and quite unnatural. Some, however, are so freakishly huge and bloated that there's just no question.

gratuitous female nudity

Someone said in the comments I put too many naked men in this blog and not enough naked women. So here are a few tasteful erotic shots to please the male audience here. This is also a good reminder to check out my Tumblr page, which is updated with daily erotica and other interesting photography.