missing hallowe'en

I'm used to the way some holidays are celebrated American-style, so as much as I love Australia and am 99 percent acclimated, when certain holidays like Hallowe'en roll around, I feel a little homesick.

You see some Hallowe'en decorations here, but it's spring in terms of weather, the equivalent of early May in the States. Part of Hallowe'en growing up was the noticeable bite in the air, the fallen leaves whirling around everywhere, your breath visible at night. Here all the flowers are in full bloom, the days are getting longer, and people are holding barbeques.

I've seen some kinds of Asian squash that are meant to pass for pumpkins but they're no substitute if you're an American. You can carve them but they don't cook up like "back home." I can make a wicked pumpkin pie from scratch, as well as homemade pumpkin bread and cookies. I tried here but the taste just isn't right.

The most enthusiastic Hallowe'en boosters here Down Under are businesses and marketeers, hoping to make a buck off selling something. Some Australians are dead set on not celebrating Hallowe'en because they see it as yet another American invasion. Families with young kids seem more tolerant.

The biggest thing I miss about Hallowe'en are the huge pumpkin bins outside supermarkets filled with several tons of orange loot. Here the only big display I've seen had plastic pumpkins made in China. I laughed but it made me feel a little homesick, too.

earbud mystery

Ever notice how earbuds are marked L and R? I have six or seven different sets and they're all marked that way.

What does it matter? If you have two ears, why do you need to hear certain sounds in stereo with your left ear? Or right ear?

Would the music sound any different if you switched ears? I've tried and it doesn't seem any different to me when I play the same exact piece.

It's not like the L and R are easy to see anyway. They're in micro-tiny type.

Life is full of so many mysteries.

retro himbo

It's too expensive to get the print edition of my favorite magazine The New Yorker here in Australia, so the print copies go to my brother and I read the digital edition online.

A recent issue featured this self portrait of Thomas Hart Benton painted in 1922. I was familiar with the artist's work but had only seen late life portraits of him when he was a wrinkly old man.

His painting fascinates me for several reasons. He's much more pinup material than most imagery of that date. You can even see his stylized sixpack. He was thirty-three in 1922 so, even if he took some artistic license, he probably was a good looking man. I love the expression on his face. He seems cocky but also a bit bashful at being bare-chested, as if he had to paint that timidity right into his own painting.

I read about him online and was surprised to learn he was only five foot tall. Even in an era when men were somewhat smaller, that still was small.

The woman in the painting is his wife, artist Rita Piacenza, who he married in 1922. They remained married until his death, and she died only ten weeks after him. He also died in his studio after he had just completed a painting. I love real-life stories like this that seem so romantically cliched.

erotica or necrophilia?

This is a photographic trend I've been noticing on sites like DeviantArt lately: a woman is posed sprawled naked somewhere in nature. There's no blood, no sign of mayhem, but she appears dead, as if she was strangled or smothered or poisoned. I've posted an example below.

I don't find this disturbing, but I don't find it erotic, either. Are the photographers trying to intimate the women are dead or just sleeping? If it's the latter, naked people usually don't sleep sprawled out of doors as if they've stumbled and just decided to take a nap.

I don't think images like this reveal any particular artistic vision. Nudity is so commonplace, particularly in art, that I think the photographers need to be a bit more creative if they want to be distinctive.

en plein air hnt

The phrase "en plein eir" is usually used to describe works of art painted out of doors. In French it means "in the open air."

I couldn't paint anything other than the side of a garage if you put a gun to my head. And I don't mean I could paint a picture of the garage, either. But I thought it was an apt description of this "open air" Half-Nekkid Thursday.

It's still spring here so I'm not tanned at all yet. The way the light plays on my skin makes me look like I have hairy breasts, but The Husband assures me that is not visible to the naked eye. Unless you're a flea, that is.

lindsay lohan posing nude for playboy

So the interwebs are abuzz with the news that Lindsay Lohan was paid close to a million dollars to pose naked for Playboy.

Although not completely verified, I'm not surprised. Her career is nearly as dead as the corpses at the county morgue where she spends some of her community service sentence as a janitor.

Can porn be far behind?

Given her lifestyle and her lack of acting gigs, money has to be getting tight. Her attorney has claimed in court she can't afford her required counseling, notwithstanding Lohan attends hearings in outfits that cost thousands of dollars.

It's a shame to see such talent go to waste. She is a very good actress. If only she could clean up her act, she could have a career resurgence a la Robert Downey Jr.

awakening my inner lesbian

I was reading an article online about Amber Heard's new movie The Rum Diary and was struck by how utterly gorgeous she is. I could definitely see myself swapping spit with her. I did not realize until I read more about her that she's either bisexual or a lesbian. (She's vague about her sexuality but has had relationships with both men and women.)

So I asked The Husband if I brought her home for a threeway, would he be interested. He couldn't get past the fact that she might be gay. She didn't "look" like any lesbian he had ever met.

I said I had been hit on by women back in the United States who didn't "look" like they were gay. He just was dazed and confused by that for a while. Then he concluded, "American lesbians must be different somehow."

cuter than an ewok

Is this not the cutest video ever? A reader tipped me off to this after my post on the dog costume.

The animation segment with the running dog is particularly incredible. I remember the first time I saw The Empire Strikes Back on DVD when I was about eight and thought the All Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) was the coolest part of the movie.

knowing right from wrong

I've been reading about the rise and fall of Muammar Gaddafi. While he's arguably best known by westerners as an imperious buffoon with his bizarre costumes, his eccentricities divert attention from the fact that he was a ruthless and bloodthirsty dictator.

The reports of his capture and demise are particularly telling, I think, as to the extreme hubris of a megalomaniac like him. When he was dragged from the sewer pipe where he had fled in his final escape, he reportedly shouted repeatedly "don't shoot." Once he was hauled out and knocked about, he allegedly then said to the rebels "don't you know right from wrong" and "what you're doing is wrong."

Here is a man who was the actual eyewitness to many executions of people he had sentenced to death. He also reportedly executed some of them himself with his own hand. Countless innocent people were tortured and murdered simply because they fell under some suspicion.

Yet he has the sheer effrontery to lecture others about right and wrong. Extreme ego knows no bounds.

looks like a tasty baby

This is amusing but also a bit creepy given the recent events in Ohio. The baby is totally oblivious to the danger and perhaps thinks the lion is like the big friendly golden retriever at home.

Right at the beginning, when the baby starts to crawl on the floor, you can really see the lion's prey instinct kicking in. It wants to bring down the baby as if it's some kind of antelope.

I wonder if the lion was captured in the wild. Because if it was zoo raised, seemingly it would've learned long ago that the tasty looking tidbits on the other side of the glass are always unobtainable so don't even bother.

lindsay lohan ducks jail (yet again)

Unless you live under a rock, you've probably heard Lindsay Lohan had her probation revoked yet again this week. She posted bail yet again. She spent less than an hour behind bars.

She had been on probation for theft while awaiting a hearing to determine if she had violated a previous probation for drunk driving. This newest probation was revoked because she had only completed sixteen hours out of her required sentence of 480 hours of community service.

She has less than six months remaining to complete her sentence. That means she must do at least two days a week of community service for the next six months.

That'll never happen.

She was two hours late to her first day of community service the day after her court hearing and was turned away as a no-show.

It's easy to surmise Lohan is getting a break because she's a celebrity, but that's not the case, as a former prosecutor demonstrates in a piece up now on The Daily Beast.

The judge has hardly any leeway here because the system is stacked in favor of anyone wealthy enough to continue to post large amounts of bail repeatedly. And, Lohan can spend money to appeal any decision as soon as a judge issues it, as has happened before. The jails and prisons in California are so overcrowded that, even if she is sent to jail, she'll only due a fraction of her time.

I have an easy solution for this: hard labor.

You violate your probation, you don't go to jail. You don't get slapped on the wrist and post bail. You get hard labor. You must show up every day before dawn, day in, day out, seven days a week, ten hours a day for some serious labor -- scrubbing toilets, shoveling up roadkill, cleaning public facilities, painting over graffiti, and so on. Every day you don't show up, you get five more days on top of your sentence.

One final note: what the hell is going on with Lohan's makeup? She's trying to look like a zombie?

sandy boobs hnt

I was rolling around on the beach with my husband in a fit of silliness and managed to get sand pretty much everywhere. It was too cold to dash in the water and rinse everything off, as my rather attentive nipples reveal.

keeping kids away from porn

Salon has an article up this week about a government effort underway now in the UK to block internet porn so children can't see it. The writer smartly points out that any such effort is almost certainly futile. Most kids are smart enough to end-run such efforts.

Numerous efforts were made to do this in the United States and they were a resounding failure. Australia's recent attempts to do the same thing have been a disaster.

Britain, like most countries, is suffering from a serious economic malaise. And this is what elected officials have decided is a top priority right now? You look at surveys about what worries people and porn isn't even registering.

The very first porn I saw left me far more confused than titillated. Before my first viewing, I was close to certain that a man put his penis in her vagina. But the first smut I saw featured a mean sticking his dick in her mouth and then her pooper. Thinking I had the whole thing wrong, I just kept my mouth shut until somehow I finally understood what really happened.

hot or not?

This photo was posted on a photo sharing board and generated some hostile reaction. I showed it to my husband and he gave it a thumbs down.

I didn't have a negative reaction to this. Yes, I would not want to look like her, but I can't deny that she's probably quite healthy. If it's the look she likes, then more power to her. At least she didn't junk herself up with tattoos that could never be removed.

insanely fantastic dog costume

I'm not a fan of pet costumes unless the critter doesn't mind. In this case, the dog is apparently pretty cool about the whole thing. He's an Italian greyhound if you're wondering about his breed.

He even has his own Facebook page. Hopefully they don't have to take the whole rig off when he has to answer the call of nature.

touch yourself right now

This is very cute and for a very good cause. The doctor is a pleasant surprise. If you want the original YouTube page, it's here.

macabre feet

The Frisky has a little item up illustrating various horror stories about models on big fashion week shows forced to wear shoes that don't fit and often are dangerous. The pair shown in the first photo set below look like they're guaranteed to make you fall and break your ankle.

Part of the problem is that a full size selection of shoes often isn't available before a premiere show. So while thirty different sizes might be available once something is sold, the prototypes come in only two or three sizes. The models must wear whatever comes closest to their size, even if it isn't very close.

I can't imagine what happened with that horrendous bruising. It looks like they were playing soccer with clydesdales. It's a wonder they can even still stand.

bad parenting

Does the fact that I find this funny suggest I might be unfit parent material?

black underwear hnt

The husband took this shot when I was napping because I had a particularly moronic look on my face. I realized that by trimming that off, I was left with a Half-Nekkid Thursday entry.

occupy wall street sex

The photo below, purportedly of two people having sex, was allegedly shot during the Occupy Wall Street protest in New York City. It's appeared on a variety of news websites to illustrate the idea that OWS is "the Woodstock for the digital generation." Who knows if they're actually having sex or if this was really shot at the event.

Nonetheless, I think the picture illustrates the long-term image problem for this movement. I agree that many of their complaints are very valid. I believe the public image they're projecting, however, is causing more harm than good overall. I see lots of pictures of people banging drums, dancing, acting like zombies, and having a good time. I see glee far more than I see anger.

It's a carnival more than a protest, and that will hurt them in the public eye, I think, if they expect to gain any long-term traction. Will masses of ordinary, middle class people want to participate in something that looks like a grand lark?

Whether you like them or hate them, the Tea Party people look, for the most part, like ordinary people. Okay, some wear moronic costumes and carry misspelled signs. But most of them look like anybody.

The OWS people liken themselves to the Tahrir Square protests. In Egypt, people waved flags, gave speeches, and sang patriotic songs. It looked like a real populist movement of ordinary people looking to blossom into something new.

The OWS movement has adopted the catchphrase "we are the 99 percent." I think they need to start looking more like the 99 percent, not the way out percent. They need to look like a majority, not a fringe.

I'm all in favor of sex and lots of it. I don't think it belongs on a public street in the middle of a protest. Whether or not this actually happened, it could have happened, given what's been going down at the event.

are lawyers insane?

A recent news story reports that lawyers in Finland have released a video warning women not to eat too provocatively in the office.

The attorneys are advocating new sexual harassment laws to prevent women from eating too suggestively in the workplace.

Is this really a problem where women work? They tongue their food like they were starring in a porn film?

And, if they do, who complains?

a demise foretold

I wrote recently about a moronic new "reality" show called "H8R." You can read my somewhat visceral reaction here.

I'm not sorry to report the show has been cancelled after only a few airings. I was amused to read some viewer reactions with the Entertainment Weekly news story reporting this demise.

"I couldn’t get past the whole, 'I’m a millionaire celebrity who’s had opportunities most people can’t imagine, and not everyone is in love with me? Boo Hoo!' thing," wrote one viewer.

Another said the show "just fed the ego of snotty celebrities who feel like we don’t have the right to dislike them. I don’t need to justify my reasons for not liking someone." This was my favorite, I think: "The sooner we can rid society of this word 'hater,' the better! I can’t stand the notion that because I’m critical of something or someone, I must be a hater."

Of the sixty-plus comments on the EW website announcing the death of the show, no one spoke up and said they liked it. Ha.

female porn addict's life of crime

Amanda Rose Owens was arrested in Minnesota this week after allegedly burglarizing her neighbor's home to pay for her porn addiction. She reportedly entered the house through the doggie door.

You can read more about her crime spree here. That's her mugshot below.

I can think of several reasons why Amanda Rose is now seriously in the running for dumb criminal of the year. Has this woman never heard of the internet? There are countless free sites where you can watch and download all the latest porn without spending a dime or crawling through a pet door or facing one of the most humiliating arrests of the decade.

I have to wonder how the officers busting her could keep a straight face. Not to mention her lawyer.

Unfortunately, none of the news stories I could find about Amanda Rose mention what kind of porn she particularly fancies. I hope it's not that women-in-prison stuff.

angry bikers

This is cute. I love how the first one to go into the audience is the girl in the tanktop. She could care less but her weenie boyfriend makes her leave because he's afraid. I don't know where this plays -- does it play in the US?

penis colada

Surfing around on the web, I stumbled on a site discussing a product called Dickalicious. It's to the male penis what chocolate sauce is to an ice cream sundae. You squeeze it on his junk and then lick it off. It comes (snicker) in various flavors, including strawberry, banana (snicker), and pina colada.

No mention of what's in the ingredients. Considering it's in a squeeze tube like toothpaste, I imagine it's much more artificial than natural.

Thanks but I think I'll pass. When I give my husband a blowjob, I don't want a cocunut booze-flavored penis. I want him. As long as he's clean, that's all that matters. If I want to spread something on him, I'll use honey or whipped cream.

Maybe it's marketed for the squeemish. Or the timid. Aw honey if I squeeze a lot on it'll probably taste real good for you. Please -- can we try it just once?

lardbutt hnt

We were at the beach and, when I fell asleep, I became a target for The Husband's camera and pranking. I'm a sound sleeper so I didn't feel him give me the wedgie.

When I saw this image later, I wasn't entirely pleased, because it makes me look like I have a fat ass due to the angle of my legs and other assorted reasons. But it seemed like a good choice for Half-Nekkid Thursday, given I am actually half naked.

jerking off could lead to arrest

The Daily Beast is now running an interesting article about the rise of amateur-run, informal online sperm co-ops as an alternative to the more structured and expensive professional spermbanks.

In a nutshell, women who want to avoid the traditional sperm bank but who also want to become pregnant arrange a donation from a stranger, either with him masturbating into a cup or by having sex. Unlike professional sperm banks where donors are paid, the swimmers are frozen, and recipients pay for the goods to be implanted, the online casual versions are all free and involve face-to-face meetings.

The most interesting part, I think, is a discussion toward the end about a donator from Northern California named Trent Arsenault, who's 36 and apparently a virgin, notwithstanding he's now fathered at least ten kids. He's geeky cute in a sort of fresh scrubbed Mormon knocking at your door way.

Arsenault's presently entangled in a red tape nightmare because the Food and Drug Administration has shut down his donations, which are him simply jacking off in a cup which he then hands off to the prospective mom. If he violates their order, he could face a $100,000 fine and a year in prison.

Considering most any woman might get knocked up with a one-night stand, the FDA's action seems like absurd overkill.

The most touching part of the article was the description about Arsenault meeting one of his children. It gave me a lump in my throat.

I hope everything works out for him.

what if amanda knox is guilty?

I did not follow the Amanda Knox trial. I've read a few articles but that's about it. I don't think I've ever followed a sensational trial in progress, but I might read some wrap-up articles after the fact.

What intrigues me about cases like this is not so much the crime itself but how people react to it on the internet and in the media. The Casey Anthony crime was much the same.

People invest so much in the trial of a complete stranger involving victims they don't even know. It's a huge business, as evidenced by the massive press coverage. The public is definitely feeding the beast.

This is certainly not a new trend, as evidenced by the many different times "trial of the century" has been used for various proceedings over the years, going back to the Lindbergh kidnapping and even further. There's a big business in somebody else's business.

What's most curious to me is the extreme emotions these cases bring out in some people. Read internet comments or watch "coverage of coverage," and you see people erupt in tears or fury or anything in between. I saw something on the news here about this huge party in the States of people watching the Knox verdict and erupting with glee, notwithstanding no one in the room knew her.

I guess this is all curious to me given I have such a different reaction. I couldn't watch hours of trial coverage even if you put a gun to my head. War, terrorism, and politics is much more interesting to me, perhaps because the outcome actually could affect my own life.

fiancee surprised by potent sperm

The American cable outlet Style Network, which also plays here in Australia, has a new "reality" show called "Sperm Donor" that follows professional masturbators as they meet their many kiddies and concurrently shock various acquaintences at the potency of their jism.

The pilot episode includes a supposedly real scene where one guy tells his fiancee he has something seventy children, which the Style webpage has revised to seventy four with more on the way.

You can see a short clip here of the financee in question rather calmly absorbing the news.

A few thoughts race to mind. First, the male acts like a big doofus. What does she see in him? After watching this clip and a few others on the program's website, I'm left wondering if he's actually that interested in women. Not to stereotype or anything, but if I was on a blind date with him, I'd privately wonder if he had a secret Judy Garland CD collection.

Second, the guy is lying through his teeth. He's one of the most obvious and worst liars I've ever seen. He knows a lot more than he's telling her, as revealed by his eyes jumping all over the room. That's why I don't think this clip is staged.

Third, she is a mystery to me. She acts like he's just told her that he accidentally bounced a check once. She's way too calm. I'm not saying she needs to go batshit or storm out, but she's just way too relaxed at a critical moment like this. You're on the way to the altar with this guy, he's just revealed he's been deceiving you, and you're barely registering on the reaction meter.

If he's not honest now, wait until after you're married. If he's lying about this, what else has he and will he lie about?

Get out now, honey. He's bad news. You're cute and you can do much better.

truth in tattooing

He certainly could never be accused of being dishonest. With that said, I don't know if this was the wisest tattoo choice.

What if he ends up losing weight and becomes a workout fanatic? What if he ends up with a surgical scar? What if he discovers his new girlfriend was an anorexic and she thinks this is a terribly cruel joke?

At least it would give doctors in the operating room a chuckle. And, many years from now, the undertaker who lays him out for his final repose might smile.

I'll bet it hurt like hell. All that for a gag that certainly won't last a lifetime.

spider kitty

I imagine there's a logical, scientific explanation for this, something like the wall is very rough or porous so that the cat can sink in its claws. If they're renting, I hope they didn't have to put down too large of a security deposit.