pass me the pussy

That would sure wake up a clerk in a store in an English-speaking country. "Hey, do you have any Jussipussi?"

As it turns out, the word "pussi" is Finnish for "bag." It is, however, pronounced just like "pussy."

scanty panty hnt

This has been a pretty busy week for me, so the chance to do a Photoshop Half-Nekkid Thursday creation slipped by before the deadline. So here's a more "conventional" one. I'm covered, but if you look closely...

tattoo alternative

Here's an idea for those thinking of investing in a potentially ridiculous tattoo. Why not try something more temporary first, like an absurd hairstyle that looks something like a tattoo? That way, you'll know if you're comfortable with sudden alarmed guffaws, people pointing at you and covering their mouths in amazement, and other varieties of publicly displayed dumbfounded shock and disbelief.

I'm not sure what you call this cut. A turdfro? Fecalfro? Crap-do? It does give a new meaning, however, to "boy did I get a shitty haircut."

the nag gene

My sweetie and I were with a small group of his navy mates over the weekend. Four men were at the table, including James. One man had his wife with him, but the other two men were divorced singles.

The other woman was a nag and, worse, she ragged at her husband in public. Nothing he did was right. It quickly became annoying. I've seen this couple a few times before, and this is not new behavior for her.

Fortunately they couldn't stay long and were soon gone. As they were walking away from the table, the woman was dialing up her rant. The husband had a hang-dog, round-shouldered look as he suffered in silence.

One of my husband's friends turned toward the rest of the group and rolled his eyes, then he gestured to me with his thumb while addressing James: "How come she doesn't do that?"

I took this as a compliment, although he was discussing me as if I was an empty chair.

"She doesn't do that because she can't stand women who nag," I replied. That elicited a big laugh.

The two divorced men then launched into a diatribe about the nagging qualities of their ex-wives, which expanded somewhat to the tendency of many women to nag.

I can't say that I disagree with them. I just don't understand why women nag, particularly in public. It often is a woman's least attractive feature.

Darling Husband has said to me in private quite a few times about how much he appreciates I'm not a nagger. He said this was something he noticed very early on, once we had a sort of possessory tendency toward each other, that point where women -- and sometimes men -- think that gives them a free license to badger the other.

Many public facilities today have smoke-free zones. Others cellphone-free zones, and some even have child-free zones.

I suggest a new innovation: the nag-free zone.

melting Charlie Manson's heart

Is this not the cutest picture ever? It would melt Charlie Manson's heart.

Darling husband and I have talked about adopting a dog. Right now we're allowed a dog where we live, but we'll likely move soon. Our landlord has put the property up for sale, plus we're still in the market for a small gym to buy. That may mean moving out of the Sydney area all together.

Once we're settled, however, a dog is definitely on the agenda. We had dogs when I was growing up, but since going out on my own, I'd had to settle for whatever pets happened to be in residence where I was renting a room. The pets usually bonded very well to me because I always made a fuss all over them.

My last roommate and I did not get along at all, but her cat loved me. Rather than sleep with her -- she was always alone in her bed -- he preferred to sleep in my room, even though I was often not alone in bed. That fact alone and the cat's disloyalty did not add to roommate harmony.

not lost in translation

I thought this German commercial was hysterical. You should be able to figure out the translation, but it doesn't really matter to get the humor.

a little matchmaking

Well, I've found the perfect husband for the lady with The Golden Girls tattoo on her legs.

Presenting the man of her dreams, with Al Bundy tattooed on his thigh.

sex with weird objects

I was reading online about a man arrested last year for having sex with a picnic table. I thought, "sure, right." But then I dug a bit more and discovered it was true.

For most of us, that little hole in the middle of the table holds the umbrella and nothing more. For Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio, however, it was a pulsating tunnel of pleasure. Unfortunately, a neighbor videotaped one of his outdoor love sessions with the lascivious table and an arrest followed. Worse, it was within sight of a playground. Art was sentenced to six months in prison for his sordid adventure in picnic bliss.

Then there was the man who had sex with a street sign.

And sex with a fence.

And sex with a sidewalk.

And sex with a lamp post.

And sex with a bicycle.

Last, but certainly not least, sex with a park bench. He got his willy stuck and the resulting hoofera was broadcast on the telly.

With this kind of news, who needs urban myths? Sometimes reality is the strangest fiction of all.

moon landing hnt

In honor of the fortieth anniversary of humanity's first walk on the moon, I bring you a lunar-landing Half-Nekkid Thursday. President Nixon certainly seems happy to see me. This image is astronomically huge, so if you would like to see something more closely, you can click on the image for a screensaver-size version.

erotic interlude

I'm crazy busy today, so here's an erotic interlude featuring some creative photographs.

streetwalker barbie

Not nearly as popular as her sisters Malibu Barbie or Holiday Barbie, Streetwalker Barbie has never quite caught on with little girls. Accessories include an authentic-looking rap sheet, a box of tiny condoms, and a pink switchblade. The good thing about Streetwalker Barbie is that you can play hard with her and put her away wet but she'll always be ready for one more go. STDs sold separately.

confession

An old man walked into a church and into the confessional. The priest pulled back the screen, and the old man said, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 80 years old. I was walking home from the library the other day when two college coeds stopped their car. They said they were on spring break and needed directions. We got into a discussion, and they offered me a ride home.”

The priest said “How could doing good deeds possibly be a sin?”

"Wait, there's more," the old man said. "On the way to my house, one of the young ladies asked me when was the last time I’d had sex. I told them it had been years. She asked would I like to make up for lost time. Before I knew what happened, the three of us were naked in my apartment. I had the most magnificent sex for two nights and the whole day in between. They’re still there waiting for me and promised they’d show me things I never even knew a man and woman could do as soon as I get home. And that’s why I’ve come to confession.”

The priest asked, “When was the last time you went to confession?”

The old man said, “Actually, this is the first time.”

The priest said, “You’re 80 years old and this is your first confession? Why now?”

The old man said, “Because I’m Jewish.”

The priest asked, “In that case, why are you telling me?”

The old man said, “Are you kidding? I’m 80 years old. I'm telling everybody.”

(Sent to me by my friend Ted.)

a modest proposal

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does the warranty cover that?

A little humorous diversion from fukung.net, which delivers a random funny or bizarre image every time you visit the site or click "refresh."

I wonder if someone ruined a perfectly good laptop just to make this photo? Or was it a case of someone returning to their computer and discovering, "what the hell is this on my keyboard"?

At least this is an up-to-date version of "my dog ate my homework." And, you would have photographic proof.

will I go to hell for this?

I'd like to think God has a sense of humor and would find this funny. I stumbled on the picture somewhere on the Internet, but I added the caption, so if any damning is to be done, I am the guilty party.

Well, at least he didn't pull up his shirt to show off his abs.

bas relief hnt

I was trying to get a bronze bas relief effect with this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday Photoshop project but it ended up looking more like it was made of copper. I am wearing a shoe here so I think this still fits within the HNT parameters.

chickbait tattoo

Yes, this tattoo would definitely get a girl's motor running. She strips off your shirt and runs her hands over your muscled chest. She does not bat an eyelash at the fresco splashed across your pectorals showing your dead kitties playing with yarn balls in heaven. It could totally happen.

And honey that pube-beard is so hot.

I'll pass on this man

I saw a piece on TV here in Sydney about this the other day. Apparently a big rage in Japan, it's a man-shaped pillow for the single woman who doesn't want to sleep alone. The cushion is meant to give the impression of sleeping in the protective arm of a real man.

Er, sorry. It looks like a very poor substitute to me. It doesn't whisper sweet nothings in your ear. It has no reassuring heartbeat. And, most important, it doesn't tug at your panties to initiate anything.

And besides, what kind of man sleeps in bed with a woman wearing a dress shirt?

fly naked

Unfortunately ads like this don't run in the US. All the naked people are real crew members performing their real jobs. I think the baggage handler with the salt-and-pepper hair is cute; you can see more of him in the "behind the scenes" video here. There's also a naked inflight safety video you can see here.

too ambitious for hnt

I like this idea, but this will not be something I'll try for the next Half-Nekkid Thursday. I do not have the patience nor mindset for things like chess and Rubik's Cube.

If you can't quite make out the image, click on it to see a larger version -- someone is making portraits with dozens of cubes specially arranged to create a pixelated effect.

When I lived in California, I remember these geeky teenagers sitting outside the public library doing speed Rubik's Cube competitions. The best kids could do inside a minute. Checking online, I learned that the world's record is a shade over seven seconds.

oh mandi

This is the lovely Mandi Ankle, who was arrested recently in Arizona for aggressive solicitation. I'm not sure what that is. A prostitute with the sales techniques of a used car salesman? A hooker who won't take "no" for an answer? And does she look anything like the girl who was the muse for the Barry Manilow song?

Yesterday's a dream
I face the morning
Crying on a breeze
The pain is calling, oh Mandi!

perfect dream girl

British humorist Giles Coren on "what makes the perfect dream girl":

Once upon a time, a man on the hunt for a wife would set great store by a woman who could cook. But things have changed. And to be honest, I’ll settle for a woman who can eat. A woman who doesn’t poke her food around the plate and hide things under her knife and claim to have a thousand intolerances and allergies. A woman who isn’t “off carbs,” “not drinking this year,” “toying with the macrobiotic thing,” or made to “feel funny” by red wine. I don’t want to sound narrow-minded. If I truly love her, then I guess we could always work the food thing through. As long as she isn’t always “tired.” Men are either awake or asleep, but women are always “exhausted.” What the hell is that? If you’re tired, woman, go to bed.

Also, I want a woman who is prepared to admit that what she wants from a man is a big cock and a lot of money. I am fed up with women always claiming that what they find most sexy is a sense of humour. Because it isn’t true. I know this because I am hilarious. Way more funny than most of the slack-assed, car-obsessed, office wonk baldies you’ll meet in a wine bar on a Friday night, and yet I practically never get laid. If it were true that women are turned on by a man who makes them laugh, Woody Allen wouldn’t have had to marry his own daughter.

As for a woman with a sense of humor, that’s fine, as long as it simply means that she will laugh at my jokes. Most women only laugh at their own jokes. Shut up. If you say something funny, I’ll let you know. And don’t give me “career.” Only women have “careers.” Men have jobs, to get money, and if we could stop and have babies while someone else earned the loot, believe me, we would. We don’t need a “career” to feel validated. We don’t want to feel validated. We just want to feel boobs. As many as possible. And then, at the last minute, quickly have babies and then die.

This is funny, but I do disagree with him. Money matters not a bit to me. A man who loves me completely with his mind and body, who leaves me breathless every minute of the day, who makes me ache for his presence and touch when he's gone -- now that's what I want and, fortunately, I already have him.

hnt we can believe in

This week's Half-Nekkid Thursday is a riff on Shepard Fairey's now-famous Obama poster. I'm actually flashing my boobs, but the posterization makes it look like I'm wearing a bikini top. I had to try about twenty different photos before I could get the right color effect.

mean kitty

I've seen this video 100 times at least, but it never fails to make me laugh. I am, nonetheless, more of a dog person than a cat person.

In the future, will all celebrities be spawned on the Internet? Will mass media pass from the control of conglomerates to the common man and woman?

This is one of the most popular videos on YouTube, with more than 22 million hits in the past year. The creator, Cory Williams, has become famous as a "YouTube celebrity" and has made hundreds of YouTube videos.

On a totally superfluous note, I think he's kind of cute in a geeky hunky way. I imagine that helps generate some of his appeal, giving him a clumsy charisma like Jim Carrey when he was younger. If Cory looked like Jason Alexander, I don't think he'd be nearly as popular.

pulling the plug

No, I'm not killing this blog.

This post, however, is about people who slaughter their blogs mercilessly in the middle of the night.

You enjoy a blog and suddenly, poof, it's gone without warning, eviscerated by its creator.

This is the cyber version of "I'm taking my toys and going home."

Yes, it is your blog. If you want to just nuke it after spending years posting your interesting thoughts and experiences online, that's your business. I can't tell you not to do that.

But why? Why not just stop posting for a while? Why impulsively destroy all your hard work in one rash moment?

This brings to mind the great novelist Thomas Wolfe. He once lost one of his novel manuscripts when he was out drinking. That was long before word processors and copy machines allowed for easy backups. He was jaunting around the city, getting shitfaced, and he drops the manuscript by accident in a gutter.

Don't people care about their work?

I just don't get it.

An online journal I enjoyed, until recently, had been running since 2001. The blogger also had a Tumblr, Twitter, Flickr, and a few other pages. Suddenly one day all were gone.

A variation on this is the blogger who suddenly decides to prune interesting past posts. Another blog I enjoy went back several years. One day, it only went back a few months. Nearly all the good stuff vanished.

Something to consider before you take a hatchet to your baby.

sex scandal at sea

A big story in the news here is a sex scandal involving the Royal Australian Navy. Sailors aboard the HMAS Success are under investigation for an alleged sex game where the crew wagered to see how many women each participant could shag. (Allow me to "ahem" on the irony of the ship's name.) One headline I saw yesterday screamed in huge letters the single phrase "Sex Boat!"

The sailors reportedly kept a log book, called "The Ledger," detailing all their various conquests. Extra points were tallied for trysts involving female officers or lesbians or for an unusual locale like the shipboard pool table. Now allow me to be skeptical here for a moment: if a woman is alleged to be a lesbian but has sex with a male shipmate, than apparently she's not a lesbian. I can't see how that warrants extra points.

In one of the more absurd public statements, some elected public commented that such scandalous activities might deter enlistments. I'm sure you could count on one hand the number of red-blooded heterosexual men who would say, "well, I'm not joining the navy because there's just too much fucking going on with them now."

Darling husband served 20 years in the RAN, and he finds the whole contretemps mildly amusing. "Like this has never happened before," he remarked.

I will say many of the Australian seamen are very easy on the eyes. My sweetie still has to wear his dress uniform on occasion, and it's all I can do to keep from ravishing him on the spot.

Sailors are by their nature horny fellows. I know this first hand. On occasion when my husband goes to the base, I wait to pick him up at a little cafe nearby. The sailors on liberty invariably try to pick me up. Telling them that I am married only seems to encourage them and, for whatever reason, they find American accents particularly alluring.

I was thinking of telling them I was a lesbian to chase them off, but now after this scandal, that might not be a good idea.

clever but gross

This tattoo shows great artistry, but it is rather gross. What if this guy wants to wear an open-neck shirt or go to the beach? Does an infatuation with a comic book really warrant scarring your body for the rest of your life?

"Mommy, what is that funny thing on Grandpa's tummy?"

"Well, sweetie, when Grandpa was a young man, before he gained all the weight, that was a popular comic book."

"What's a comic book Mommy?"

happy independence day!

Remember not to explode any essential body parts when playing with firecrackers!

tattoo guide

I thought this was very amusing. If you're having trouble reading it, click on the image for full size. I dated a police officer with a tattoo on his forearm, so there are apparently some allowed exceptions to these guidelines.

motivational hnt

Has anyone ever done a Half-Nekkid Thursday motivational poster? I thought I would give it a whirl. This would make utterly no sense to someone who had never heard of HNT, but perhaps it might inspire them to find out. You can click to see a larger version.

celebrities making sense (for once)

Normally I cannot abide insipid celebrities who prattle on and on about some pet political issue. They assume the entire world really cares about their oh-so-special perspective.

There are some rare exceptions, however. Michelle Pfeiffer, Kathy Bates, and Helen Mirren all recently made public statements about how the time has come to legalize prostitution. They're right.

Of course, the first two made their remarks while promoting a classy bordello-themed feature film called Cheri, wherein the 51-year-old Pfeiffer beds 27-year-old himbo Rupert Friend. (You go Michelle.) The movie stills I've seen look absolutely gorgeous by the way. Mirren, in turn, was hawking a prostitution-themed movie called Love Ranch.

One argument against legalizing prostitution holds that women would be exploited if the practice were made lawful. At present, prostitutes are often at the mercy of the mobsters and gangbangers who control the trade, so I guess it never dawns on opponents that they're already seriously exploited. If the practice were made lawful and regulated like, say, the sale of tobacco or liquor, there would be mechanisms to prevent exploitation. As well, licensing fees and taxation of services could help remedy strained public coffers.

Another long-standing argument is that it will drive men out of the arms of their wives. Like that isn't already happening. Perhaps the fear of being exposed inhibits a few men from approaching streetwalkers, but that must be a very small percentage. Open up the yellow pages in any major city and you can find all sorts of gray-market prostitutes offering their "escort" services. Just ask Elliot Spitzer.

A further argument holds that legalizing prostitution would spread disease. Like that's not going to happen now either. If a prostitute had to receive regular medical checkups in order to be licensed, then the chance of disease would be lessened, not increased.

As it stands now, I can't think of a logical argument for continuing to make prostitution illegal. Sure, "family values" candidates would try to shout down attempts to change the law, but that's the discoursive equivalent of pissing in the wind. With the recent spate of "family values" candidates who have been caught getting a little on the side, I think the public should finally call bullshit on the hypocrisy and make this long-needed change.