end of summer HNT

Back in the States, Labor Day signals the unofficial end of summer. Some Aussies consider Easter to be the end of summer, but if that holiday falls late in April, autumn is already well underway.

The climate here in Sydney is more like Southern California, so you can still enjoy the beach or a pool for some time to come. The air at night, however, is definitely starting to have an autumnal feel.

We were housesitting recently and enjoying their pool. The husband was fiddling around one day with his underwater camera and shot this on the fly.

surreal erotica

This artwork is quite spectacular. It's very small here, but if you click on it, you'll see a much larger version.

I'm guessing this is done with Photoshop and other artistic tools. All I know about the creator is that his name is Art Miller and he's from Milwaukee. I found this on a Russian website, which I cannot read, so I don't know anything more about him.

charlie sheen has peaked

Yes, it seems Charlie has passed his sell-by date. Entertainment Weekly is reporting that scalpers can't unload tickets to his public self-immolation even at a fraction of the face value. Charlie tweeted gleeful that his tickets sold out in minutes, not knowing that over-zealous and now very-sorry scalpers were snapping them up in blocks.

Quite frankly I'm tired of the Charlie Sheen Self-Pity Narcissism Tour, and I know many others are, too. He's a grossly overpaid brat who needs a good dose of reality. With the world reeling from nuclear meltdown and earthquakes and wars and economic implosions, a whining sitcom star who feels he's underpaid at a million-plus a week seriously needs to get over himself.

My favorite comment on the EW site is this one: "Charlie Sheen is so three weeks ago."

willam and kate -- should we care?

Prince William, the planet's most famous bridegroom, recently visited Australia. The public and press attention were less fawning, I suspect, than if he had visited the United States.

As an American, I've never really understood why some of my fellow countrymen are so besotted with the British royal family. Hello, remember the Revolution? We supposedly left all that frippery behind. I imagine anti-royalists like Thomas Paine, Ben Franklin, and James Madison would be appalled at the Yankee fawning over "the royals" in the U.S. today.

The Australian press has been markedly less breathy about the impending royal wedding than what I see in the American press online. I think some of my fellow countrymen are star-struck about the royals as celebrities and don't really consider how the institution of royalty should be an anathema to Americans.

I will admit I didn't think much about the British royalty until I married into an anti-royalist family. Australia is independent from the UK but still a constitutional monarchy with Queen Elizabeth as its monarch. (It differs from other Commonwealth countries in that respect.) At the same time, anti-royalist sentiment here is significant. Several polls have found that a clear majority of Aussie favor ending the monarchy at the end of Elizabeth's reign or sooner. In my husband's family, she is referred to as "Mrs. Windsor."

This brings us around to the rhetorical question of whether we, as Americans, should really care about Prince William a.k.a. William Windsor's wedding. Is it any more important than, say, the wedding of Reese Witherspoon?

When you pass a church and happen to see a bride and groom outside posing for photos, you look for a moment and then move on. It's somebody else's life, not yours. You certainly don't stop and mingle with the crowd (unless you're a pickpocket).

I think Americans and the rest of the world should react the same way to the royals. It's somebody else's wedding. Smile and keep on going. Don't make any more of it than what it is -- somebody else's business, not ours.

comic relief

This has to be about the funniest YouTube video I've seen. I just completely lose it every time I play it. If you love dogs, don't miss this one, but don't watch it on a full bladder.

bureaucratic hijinks

My brother back in the Midwest receives the small amount of mail still sent to me in the United States -- mostly stuff from the IRS and voter mailings. All of my financial statements and bills from American institutions arrive online.

Early in the year I received a jury summons from Los Angeles County forwarded to his address. I wrote back and said that while my legal address in the United States was now a midwestern state, I was married to an Australian and had been living in Australia for two and a half years. I mailed the letter from Sydney, with an Australian stamp, and gave them my Australian address.

They wrote back to my old California address, and the letter was then forwarded to my brother again. They needed proof in the form of a driver's license, bank statement, or something similar to document I was no longer living in Los Angeles County.

I sent back a copy of an Australian bank statement, a copy of my Australian driver's license, a copy of my marriage license, and a copy of my Australian immigration documents. I thought overkill would do the trick.

It did not.

I received yet another letter sent to the California address, forwarded to my brother, stating that the bank statement was not adequate because it was not issued by a bank known to them, the driver's license did not comply with some kind of federal government standard, and the other documents were issued by "unknown parties."

I was told in no uncertain words I needed to send a copy of a bank known to them, a copy of a driver's license that met some kind of US government standard, or proof of voter registration. The letter also stated in the finest boilerplate legalese that if I did not provide the documents required by a date preceding my receipt of the letter, I would be found in contempt of court and a sheriff's deputy would come to my home and take me to court so I could serve on the jury.

Apparently the nice people in the jury department in Los Angeles don't realize Australia is a country. Ten thousand miles away. Way on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. With kangaroos.

I wrote back, sent a copy of the same documents, and invited the deputy to visit my home if they weren't sufficient. I reminded them that it's a long trip from Los Angeles to Sydney and that he or she should leave plenty early to get me in court on time, plus bring a change of clothes and a toothbrush.

I have not heard back from them.

goodbye liz

With a million and one bloggers doing tributes to Elizabeth Taylor, here's mine featuring her appearance on a 1950s game show.

In part because of Taylor, the culture of celebrity became a contemporary phenomenon. As one critic wrote yesterday in The New York Times, "Taylor was the first celebrity to really make her personal life a vital part of the trajectory of her stardom."

During her lifetime, whether by accident or planning, she was the quintessential living legend. She could be both down-to-earth and an icon. Taylor certainly wasn't without scandal and controversy, but she never seemed overwhelmed by it, unlike so many so-called "celebrities" today.

I think it's safe to say there will never be anyone quite like her again.

If you'd like to see the video on YouTube's site, go here.

mystery hnt

I'm the mystery guest this week over at Osbasso's HNT mothership. I figured I'd submit a tush shot as they seem to garner the most comments. This angle makes me look like I've gained weight but I haven't. I think the husband was doing something with the zoom lens to compress the depth that I would rather he not. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't submitted this photo, but it's too late now.

vaginas in the news

Police in Scranton, Pennsylvania, grew suspicious of arrestee Karin Mackaliunas after she wouldn't stop squirming in the back seat of their patrol car.

Turns out the lovely Karin, shown below, was later discovered to have shoved 54 heroin bags, 31 empty bags for heroin, Xanax pills, and $51.22 into her vagina.

Okay, I can understand her trying to hide the drugs. But the money? Even coins?

Police were originally tipped to this criminal mastermind after she crashed her car into a guardrail. While at the accident scene, a patrol officer discovered that Mackaliunas was a suspect in the theft of linens and a room key from a local motel.

Thanks to my cousin in Pennsylvania who provided this news story with full details on the arrest.

Justin Bieber and me

Even before I was a teenager, I found the phenomenon of teen idols to be very curious. I still find it interesting and somewhat mystifying.

I was never interested in the idols themselves. What intrigued me was how other girls could become so infatuated with them.

I suspect, more than anything, the hysterical fadishness turned me off in my tween years. When nearly ever girl I knew wanted or liked something or someone, I was determined to dislike that fad de jour. I didn't want to be part of the crowd, perhaps out of a need for attention. I remember girls going on and on about one infatuation or another and it seemed so tedious and shallow to me.

I have noticed that male teen idols have become even more androgynous and sexless since I was in the target audience. Take Justin Bieber, the latest incarnation of teen idolotry. He looks almost like a prepubescent girl and seems more like twelve, not seventeen. I imagine Bieber is popular because he's non-threatening to girls who already have an awareness that their innocence will soon be lost.

In my early teenage years, when nearly ever girl I knew was interested in boys, I was interested in men -- fully grown, masculine, mature men nearly old enough to be my father. A 13-year-old boy with a fractured voice, zits, and sometimes fey mannerisms seemed more like a eunich than a man to me. Those male classmates who matured early were always far more attractive than the "good" boys.

What remains mystifying to me are females in their later teenage years -- old enough to drive, for example, or even vote -- who still are drawn to males like Bieber. I saw a YouTube clip recently with him on some TV show before a live audience, many of whom were teary-eyed females who looked old enough to be in college. They certainly live in a very different reality than me.

are vibrators embarrassing?

Salon published an amusing article over the weekend about how many women are mortified when their vibrator is discovered, often in a very public way.

Embarrassment is about projecting your own insecurities. So I guess if you're insecure about your sex life, then a public reveal results in a red face.

Some of the examples cited in the article seem like opportunities, not catastrophes. One woman dropped her Rabbit in a public laundromat, an event witnessed by "several attractive guys." This was a problem?

Of course, not all single women are looking to get laid regularly like yours truly was when she was unmarried, so perhaps I'm not the best judge of this topic.

Several years ago back in California I was at a Rite-Aid buying a large package of batteries. The guy behind me in the checkout line, who was somewhat creepy and drunk, asked me rather loudly, "are those for your vibrator?"

Several women within earshot appeared mortified. I turned to the man and calmly said something like, "yes, as a matter of fact they are."

He responded with a smile, "if you had a man, you wouldn't need a vibrator." This, of course, was along the lines of what I was expecting him to say so he walked into my setup.

I answered, "oh, I have a man. Who do you think I use the vibrator on?"

goomba tattoo

If you were eight years old, this might be a cute tattoo. But then again, eight-year-old children shouldn't be getting tattoos.

But on a full-grown adult? Really? Is this something you love so much that when you look down at your feet for the next fifty years, you'll be glad to see this? Are you sure?

the donald

Occasionally I see in the news here that Donald Trump may run for president. Is that getting a lot of press play back there?

My gut instinct tells me his chances of snagging the GOP nomination are pretty slim. He might be polling decently now, but once a primary race was underway, his more seasoned opponents would make quick work of his baggage. He touts himself as a savvy businessman, but a quick look at his record reveals a considerable flirtation with scandal and bankruptcy.

But Donald, let's talk about your hair a moment. The American people will not elect a man with a surreal creature in residence upon his head. That just won't happen.

They could get used to your bizarreness. It's the message that the hair sends they could not tolerate. It shouts "disconnect from reality." Donald, you're in your 60s. You're balding in a serious way. Yet you refuse to face the truth and continue to comb it like you're in your 30s and this is 1981.

You also have some sort of advanced hairspray situation going on, too, with hair moving in several different directions to create the false sense of thickness. There's a huge hole in the ozone over Uruguay thanks to all the stuff you've sprayed on your head. I'm guessing you have some harried stylist on your personal staff who tends to that thing at a snap of your busy fingers. We won't even mention the obvious hair coloring.

Donald, Americans want a president who can look reality square in the face. They don't expect honesty in a politician, but they do expect he has a firm grip on reality. That hair says "I live in my own world with my own private reality."

That hair might work on a third-world dictator adorned with 58 medals and nine yards of gold braid, but it won't fly in America. Get. It. Cut. If you need to distract attention from your baldness, think Martin Van Buren. Way out-of-control hair with a whole mad scientist look going, but he wasn't trying to fool anyone about his baldness.

feminism versus chivalry

The Frisky has an interesting personal essay up by a young feminist-leaning woman who learned to love chivalry.

I've never felt feminism and chivalry were an either/or situation. You can be an independent woman and still appreciate chivalry. A man isn't trying to rape you or doom you to a life of servile second-class status if he helps you into a chair. At the same time, I'd never be one of those women who sit in the car until the man comes around and opens the door for me.

I've always seen chivalry as a barometer of your relationship with a man, something the essayist didn't explore. When a man's chivalrous actions toward you start to wane, that's a warning sign.

wasteful hnt

My husband took this picture early last year, before we began our quest to become pregnant. Almost a year after we began trying, the tree still has not borne fruit. C'est la vie.

Nonetheless, when I see photos like this that he used to make, I do feel a tinge of guilt. We shouldn't have wasted that! Maybe that was the one that would've done the trick!

But then I get very zen about the whole thing. Yes, maybe that would've gotten me pregnant, but the child would've had some horrible birth defect. Or maybe that would've gotten me pregnant, and then in my the eighth month of pregnancy, I would've tripped and had a miscarriage.

It will happen when it happens if it happens. In the meantime, the memory of his warm seed on my feet is still very fresh. It seems a lot hotter down there.

has porn hijacked our sexuality?

A recent issue of The Atlantic included a review of two new books exploring porn in modern society. I use the word "review" loosely because the writer doesn't even mention either book until more than half way into her piece and neither gets much attention.

In a nutshell, the reviewer holds her nose at today's porn, but then takes issue with two authors who demonize porn.

What struck me most about the reviewer was some of her rather simplistic statements, bundled in a lot of verbosity, that seem shaped only by her own experiences. She seems never to have discussed porn with female acquaintances; if she did so, she apparently did not learn that women have widely differing opinions about both porn and sex.

One of her remarks suggests her experience with men and sex is wildly different than mine and that has shaped her attitudes about sexuality and porn. She writes: "The sex that occurs in between relationships -- or overlaps with relationships -- where the buffers of intimacy or familiarity do not exist: the raw, unpracticed sort. If a woman thinks of the best sex she’s had in her life, she’s often thinking of this kind of sex, and while it may be the best sex in her life, it’s not the sex she wants to have throughout her life —- or more accurately, it’s not the sex she’d have with the man with whom she’d like to spend her life."

Care to cite some statistics backing that up, miss? Maybe it's true for you, but it's certainly not the case for me and women I know. That seems to suggest the reviewer has never had a really good fuck with a man she loves. The subtext of her statement almost seems like an apology to her current husband/boyfriend. "You're a lousy lay, sweetie, but I love you anyway."

She also vastly oversimplifies the porn that's available now. Apparently she thinks amateur and faux-amateur porn is all that's being made today with her comments like "porn stars no longer look like porn stars" and an "amateur aesthetic pervades porn." You still see lots of brand-new porn where women are slathered in glossy cosmetics, wear impossibly high heels, and have ginormous fake tits -- not exactly what you see with average women on the street.

She does make some good points, however, although you have to wade through a whole lot of syntax to get there. Why do intellectual writers feel they need to say everything with complex, one hundred-word sentences straining with verbosity? Didn't they ever read Hemingway?

titty talk

Look at the photo below. Can you spot the woman with the implants? This is not a trick question. Unless you're seriously in need of a new eyewear prescription, she's easy to find.

If I was her, I'd be embarrassed to pose with those other women. The first thing one sees -- at least I do -- is the fakeness of her tits. My eyes go straight to them. I don't notice her other, more positive features.

As much as I wish I had larger breasts, I believe in playing with the hand I've been dealt. I'd far rather have obviously smaller tits than obvious implants. I know, however, a lot of women -- and many men -- don't agree with me.

In my exotic dancer days, I saw plenty of women with implants. Some were very good and extremely expensive, but they still didn't look quite right -- they were too stiff or they shifted oddly. I saw lots of bad implants, too. No matter how pricey the surgery, you still can't quite mimic all-natural.

I suspect it's primarily the male of our species, not the female, who is the driving force behind the breast augmentation industry. There are just too many guys who love big tits, no matter if they're fake or not, and their attitude shapes female thinking to a considerable degree.

making sexual addiction profitable

Time magazine ran an interesting feature article recently examining sexual addiction. Several items in the piece popped out at me.

One was the idea that the business of sexual addiction recovery is still in its infancy and could really be a growth industry. The article reports that facilities handling treatment in this arena have seen a boom in patient numbers, the poor economy notwithstanding.

I also thought a proposed clinical definition of sexual addiction sounded spot on -- you have a sexual disorder if you spend so much time pursuing intercourse or masturbation that it interferes with your job or other important activities.

Some other points in the story seemed odd to me, however. For instance, one was a rule-of-thumb from a sexual addiction self-help group: you can check out an attractive person for a maximum of three seconds but longer is problematic.

I also found the author's intimation that sex more than once a day was worrisome for married couples. "Regular intercourse with a committed partner (up to once a day) is a sign of a good relationship," he writes. But then, "so at what point do partners in a healthy relationship become too focused on sex?" If the relationship was too focused on sex, then by its nature it wouldn't be healthy.

I also feel he built the article around the wrong person, thus throwing a whole shadow on the piece. The 59-year-old problematic addict sounds like a dunce, and I think calling him "attractive" is a stretch, but maybe it's just a bad photo.

a tattoo I like

I occasionally get email from readers asking me why I hate tattoos.

I don't hate tattoos. I hate bad tattoos. I hate tattoos that look like people never considered they were making a lifetime decision. I hate tattoos that make people look ugly or foolish.

Yes, people have a perfect right to make themselves look like fools if they want to. Better they have the freedom to do that than to live in a society that doesn't give them free choice. I believe you have the right to tattoo "I am a moron" on your forehead in large black type if you want to. I don't, however, believe it's a good idea.

With all that disclaimer then, I like this tattoo. It's discrete, interesting, and invites a closer look.

日本

I'm not feeling quite in the mood to write anything cheeky or sexual today. I'm sure I'm like many who have been both mesmerized and horrified by all the images coming out of Japan after the horrendous earthquake and tsunami.

I know I have some readers in Japan because I've heard from you and also see your visits in my Google Analytic stats. I hope all is well with you.

curious relationship survey

Warner Brothers recently commissioned a study which, based on the results of a survey, determined that three years is the tipping point for a relationship.

For instance, two-thirds of those surveyed said small irritations which are seemingly harmless and often endearing early in the relationship often blossom into major irritations three years in. Half of those in relationships less than three years old reported they had sex three or more times a week, but only 16 percent reported the same sexual activity after three years.

What struck me as most interesting about this study was the fact that it was commissioned to promote a movie, not for any academic or scientific end. More than anything, that seems to suggest a certain disconnect on the part of movie makers. The survey has nothing to do with the movie. How about making better movies so you don't have to go through all these silly gyrations to promote a movie?

You can read more details about the survey here.

bovine butt hnt

The husband claimed he took this accidentally at the beach when I was bending over to arrange my towel. If that's the case, then why didn't he delete it? He then said he liked it nonetheless and refused destroy it.

I labeled this "bovine butt" not because it made me look fat. It was christened as such because it's seems rather prominent in the way that I remember dairy cows when I visited my grandparents in Pennsylvania.

topless protests

I was reading an article on Time magazine's website and noticed a link for the "Top 10 Gratuitously Provocative Acts." Some of their choices are spot on, like the "burning money for justice" campaign and PETA activists dressed in KKK attire.

I don't necessarily agree with their assessment on Femen, however. That's a group of primarily female activists in the Ukraine who often have topless protests and other media stunts like bikini mud wrestling and public spankings.

The Ukraine is a wild and woolly place politically with corruption by the truckload so extreme measures to garner attention are probably necessary. As a group's spokesperson said, "If we were to run around dressed in baggy clothes, no one would pay any attention to us."

The photographers at a protest, seen below, look like they're really into their work. I wonder why?

hairy crotch tattoo

I wonder how often tattoo artists try to talk people out of really bad ideas like this. Or is there an unwritten code amongst tattooers that, no matter how insane or bizarre the request, as long as it's legal you do it?

university sex toy hysteria

Northwestern University in Chicago currently is the center of a media controversy that demonstrates how Americans sometimes hysterically overreact to sexual matters.

Last month, a psychology professor invited students from a human sexuality class to observe an optional after-class demonstration of a man stimulating his female partner with a sex toy. A month later, somehow the whole thing has turned into a major scandal garnering international media attention. You can read a news story here with a variety of outraged (and often wildly misinformed) reader opinions.

Many media reports of the event have been quite short on details about what actually happened and quite long on breathy exaggeration. Some reports make it sound like the whole class was required to watch two people fucking up in front of a classroom.

With all the problems in the world, people think this is a big deal? Good gracious they must lead sheltered lives. What a massive amount of hysteria over nothing.

Given the sheer size of Northwestern, at probably any given moment at least a hundred students in dorm rooms are actually fucking themselves silly.

And yet a little sex toy has people gasping for air. This is the twenty-first century. The Puritans are dead. Get with the program.

laugh outloud porn

This is supposed to be erotic -- it was part of promotional material for a porn site -- but it's downright laughable. The horse looks like it's perving on the humans while munching on a snack. I don't think I could get into the moment with that staring at me.

leviticus tattoo

This guy really needed to make a statement against homosexuality -- he has a big badass gangsta tattoo of a Bible quote from Leviticus. "Thou shall not lie with a male as one does with a woman. It is an abomination."

Apparently he never bothered to finish the book of Leviticus, however, because in the next chapter tattoos are expressly forbidden. "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead nor print any marks upon you."

Uh oh.

porn producer's letter to charlie sheen

A Los Angeles porn producer has gone public with a letter she's written to Charlie Sheen imploring him not to get into porn following his recent career setback. The reasons, however, are not because of any possible career impact or insalubrious connotations.

The producer says, instead, that Sheen is not "leading man material in a porn context." Her letter notes that "being a male porn star is nothing like being the top name on the marquee of a trite, tired, inane, painfully unfunny hack-job of a network sitcom."

She then goes on to list various specifics as to why he's not cut out for porn, not withstanding that he dates pornstars. The most subtle and funny one, I thought was this: "Male porn stars cannot afford to have a problem with the other male talent around them being circumcised."

Be sure to read the whole letter here.

clean and wholesome hnt

I shower probably 98 percent of the time, but on occasion I'm in the mood for a long, leisurely bath. In warm weather, the bathtub is an ideal place for some erotic adventures. I'm not a big fan of baths in winter -- you either have to expend a lot of energy or you get too cold.

how rough is too rough?

These are part of a series by a Russian photographer named Lev Abramovich. They're art photos, not porn notwithstanding the woman's genitalia is seen.

In the art world, these might be considered on the rough side. In the porn world, they're very far from the roughest stuff out there.

That got me thinking about a question that I've sometimes pondered: how rough is too rough? There is some incredibly rough porn for sale with men doing very violent and brutal things to women and, equally, women doing very violent and brutal things to men. Of course, it's all consensual.

So I ask aloud here rhetorically: how rough is too rough? If you're struggling financially and someone dangles a large fee in front of your nose to be bound, beaten, bloodied, with needles and nails and tacks inserted into your flesh while you're sodomized and in great pain, is that entirely consensual? You're desperate for money, so you're grasping at anything to keep from swirling down the drain.

It would be one thing if you did this for free because you really like being a human punching bag and pincushion. But if exploitation is part of the equation, is it then really consensual?

I'm not saying the government should step in. I oppose censorship. But should the purveyors of adult material ask if they're contributing anything besides appealing to some very prurient and possibly dangerous tastes? Does very violent porn cross over and inspire real violence?

melissa fucking leo

The international media is all atwitter about Melissa Leo's F-bomb at the Oscars. I'm just glad that this tremendously talented actress has finally received the major recognition she deserves. Some of her past work in the most mundane roles has been beyond fantastic.

She earned a lot of negative press shortly before the Academy Awards because of her self-financed promotion followed by some very candid media comments (you can read stories about that here and here). Looks like she got the last laugh on her naysayers.

You go girl. You fucking go.