know thy penis

I cobbled these together from Men's Health magazine. Gentlemen pay attention. Ladies, make sure he takes notes because the well being of his schlong directly affects your pleasure.

1. Smoking may shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Good bloodflow is essential to a good erection, so lighting up a deathstick calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation.

2. No brain activity is necessary for ejaculation. The order to release splooj comes from the spinal cord. Finding a partner into whom you wish to ejaculate, however, takes considerable brain activity.

3. The average male orgasm lasts six seconds, while the average woman gets twenty-three seconds. While a minute is possible for a woman, it's impossible for a man.

4. The oldest known species with a penis is the hard-shelled Colymbosathon ecplecticos, which is Greek for "amazing swimmer with large penis."

5. Only one man in four hundred is flexible enough to give himself a blowjob. Women, remember you have more negotiating power than you may realize.

6. A man is much more likely to be a grower than a shower. Roughly four times as many men are growers compared to showers.

7. German researchers have found that the the average session of intercourse lasts slightly under three minutes, while women perceive it as lasting nearly twice as long.

8. Size does matter from a biological standpoint. The longer a man's penis, the better "semen displacement" he achieves during sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That suggests prehistoric women had many male sex partners during one session of intercourse.

9. Handsome men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed photos to women of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm. The women were told to pick the handsomest men. The women most often chose the best sperm producers.

10. Penile rupture is caused most often not by falling out of the bed during sex but by vigorous masturbation.

tumblarity

My Tumblr page now has over 700 posts as of today. I feature mostly erotica and tasteful porn with some other images mixed in plus random quotes. If you haven't checked it out yet, please do. The site allows for handy queuing, so new images appear every day.

Tumblr now has a "Tumblarity" feature based on how popular your posts are with other users on the site. The rankings change several times a day. I've cracked the top 100 Tumblr sites in Australia several times and the top 3,000 worldwide. I have no idea what this portends in relation to the meaning of the universe.

Tumblr seems to have attracted people more interested in erotica and artistic porn than your standard smut collectors. It's more about quality than quantity. It does not yet seem to have been invaded by spammers, although I imagine that will change sooner rather than later. Spammers are like the cockroaches of the internet.

porn hall of rogues

I had so much fun making my porn montage HNT the other day, I created some new ones. May I present Osama Bin Porn, Mahmoud Pornadinejad, and Pornard Madoff. I tried to do one with Kim Jong-Il, but it just wouldn't turn out, perhaps because the man has one of the worst hair dye jobs in the history of mankind. If you click on any of the images, you can see them in all their double DP glory.

hummels from hell

I thought these were funny and hopefully you will too. Are you having a nice weekend? I'm still not used to this winter-in-June business but at least it doesn't snow in Sydney.

pussy tattoo

I'm going to stop saying "I won't be able to find a tattoo weirder than this" because then I go and prove myself a liar. This one, however, will be difficult to top.

mosaic hnt

At a distance, this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday looks like a somewhat surreal image of me in my birthday suit. If you click on the image itself, however, you'll see it's actually a mosaic made up of thousands of tiny porn photos. You can see my original unedited image here that was used to create the mosaic template.

buck

Last night I ran across one of the images seen below, and that reminded me I had wanted to blog about the subject of these photos.

Looks like a guy, right? Well, not quite. Buck, pictured below, was born a woman, still has a vagina, and appears regularly in porn. (Click here for naked pictures if you are so inclined.)

He began life as a woman but now sees himself as "a straight man with a pussy," although on a cellular level he will always be female. He's had extensive testosterone therapy and surgery to remove his breasts but has not had a phalloplasty, which would give him a penis, because then he could never experience an orgasm again.

People like this fascinate me although I don't exactly know why. I was born and raised in a sedate Midwest suburb, so I guess the sheer unusualness of it is what strikes me. I'm a libertarian at heart, so more power to him.

foot pussy

This is raunchy but very funny.

dumb luck

I still feel amazement sometimes at the dumb luck I've had in my life. I'm like a cat; I always seemed to land on my feet by instinct. Even when things were going bad for me, I still managed to wriggle free without much ado, at least it seems that way in hindsight.

A stripper friend from New York emailed me recently. We used to work together at the same club in the Big Apple. She was telling me about another girl we mutually know who's been having a terrible time lately. This girl -- I'll refer to her as Dana here but that's not her real name -- has gone from one exploitive employer to another.

When you dance or strip in a club, you often have to pay a daily fee to the ownership. You keep your tips, but you must pay your fee out of those tips. Some club owners can really mess with the girls over their fee, suddenly raising it on the spot or demanding favors in return.

The club owners all know each other and many own more than one club. Some are outright criminals. You can move to another city and hope to start over, but the owners have a tight network. You can run, but you can't hide.

In short order, Dana has run through a string of bad owners back to back. She's gone from bad to worse. I never knew her well personally so, some ten thousand miles away, I can't really offer her any kind of help.

Maybe I have a powerful guardian angel, but this never happened to me. I always managed to luck into jobs with club owners who didn't try this kind of game. I think it helped that I was not a drug user. I banked my income so if I needed to quit in a hurry, I could do so.

I'm not one to look back much but, now happily married, I see how I survived in the fringes and, through sheer dumb luck, never got caught up over my head. That must be a terrible feeling. I'm reminded of a time a few months back when I was at the beach and a sudden wave slapped me on the back, at once tumbling me over and knocking the air out of me while I lay terrified under the water. Darling Husband quickly hauled me to safety.

How terrible it must be to be in a situation like that all alone, where there's no one to lend you a strong hand.

clever but...

Bonus points for the wry, witty artistry here. This is very well done. It might make a nice greeting card for that special someone.

But as a tattoo? For forever?

chipmunks versus stormtroopers

Photographer Chris McVeigh tamed chipmunks in his garden to pose with Star Wars action figures. You can see more images here.

woman loses virginity seven times

Six times was not a charm for a Russian woman who underwent surgery recently to have her hymen restored. She ended up in intensive care.

The woman, identified in media reports as Natalia K., married at 24 after having lost her virginity sometime earlier to a man other than her husband. As a result of his disappointment over not having been her first, she underwent a hymenoplasty before their first wedding anniversary to restore her virginity.

He had such a good time, Natalia decided to do it again each year. After her sixth surgery, however, she developed complications some weeks later and now is in intensive care because of a serious infection.

Fortunately, I never have to worry Darling Husband would want me to undergo this type of surgery. I know he couldn't abstain from sex through the recovery process.

outtake hnt

Darling Husband complains that I don't like many of my photos because I think they either make me look too fat or too thin. I rejected this one for last week's HNT because I thought it made me look anorexic.

He told me I was being silly and convinced me I should put it up for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday. I defer to his judgment. I have always been somewhat "ribby" even though I eat like a horse.

immersion porn

Videographer Robbie Cooper has intercut images of people talking about the importance of porn to them with images of them watching the actual porn in question while pleasuring themselves. This is priceless.

hot or not?

The other day, I stumbled on a webpage for the woman appearing below. Darling Husband was sprawled on the couch beside me, reading a magazine, so I thought for a moment before I spoke.

"Sweetie, I just found the hottest woman online. I think I should try for a look just like hers. What do you think?"

He hopped up and took a peek over my shoulder. Then he turned my head with a finger under my chin to look me in the face. I saw mirth in his eyes but also a dash of fear. I kept my straight face.

"Tell me you're kidding, kitten," he said. He smiled but that smile had a tiny edge of panic.

"I think she's so gorgeous. Absolutely. I want to look just like her."

His grin was slowly morphing into a grimace. I could read his mind. Oh shit, she can't be serious. She's kidding me, right? Please dear God she's kidding me.

After a few more seconds, I lost it and burst out laughing. His grin blossomed. A slight sigh was heard.

"Tell me the truth, I had you scared there for just a second, didn't I?" I asked.

His still widening grin confirmed that I did.

So, okay, maybe some men find this hot. She gets $400 an hour to torture guys. Her implants are so obvious Stevie Wonder could spot them with his hands tied behind his back. But whatever turns you on, right?

three frames

I stumbled on the site Three Frames the other day, where an unnamed wizard stitches three frames from a movie together for an interestng effect. The first is from some Jack Black flick, the second is from the great Harold and Maude, while the third is from the classic ET. (For reference, a standard feature film moves through a projector at twenty-four frames per second, so three frames represents an eighth of a second.)

Some of the efforts aren't always successful, but others really work. These would be great in a gallery video instillation with dozens of monitors and surreal electronic music.

hammer pants dance

This video made me laugh. If you like this sort of thing, be sure to check out this video. Live on Sunset, by the way, for those not in the know is a clothing boutique on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood, California. So typical for Los Angeles that no one applauds. I guess if you shop in a store that sells $300 ripped jeans, you're just way too cool.

stripper has fun in jail

An ex-boyfriend who is a cop emailed this link to me. "Didn't she used to strip at that place you worked?" he asked.

He is correct. She was never my favorite person. Her little performance here didn't improve my opinion of her either. She still panders to her crowd. Her implants seem a little larger though, and she looks like she had some work done on her face.

At least a good time was had by all. Even the serious lady deputy tries not to smile at one point. The guy in green is having a whole lot of fun.

what I was blathering about

In you thought I'd lost my senses with yesterday's blather, I was attempting to hint that I was the mystery guest over at Views From the Back Row, which is the Half-Nekkid Thursday mother ship, run by Osbasso, the HNT founder and grand poobah. There were more of my pictures over there from this set, now reproduced here, so if you're a regular there, you would figure out the hint on his blog.

An interesting quote for the day from Ansel Adams: "Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter."

Mata Hari hnt

An homage to Mata Hari for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday. The ship sails at midnight. Nudge nudge, wink wink. And this safety tip for the day: click it or ticket.

If you can't figure out what I'm talking about and think I've gone loony, tune in tomorrow, same time, same station, same blog.

penis dancing deemed dangerous

An erotic dance craze, thought to be the cause of a recent wave of broken penises in Jamaica, now faces a government crackdown.

Called "daggering," the dance features couples simulating dry sex in various positions to the beat of the music with intense gyrating, heavy pelvis-thrusting, and daredevil leaps. Some couples have practiced nude daggering in the bedroom with disastrous consequences.

The warning against the dance came from Jamaican doctors, prompted by being presented with a range of fractured penises caused by rough intercourse. The number of injured penis cases have tripled in the last year.

As a result, the Jamaican government has banned songs and videos with blatantly sexual content in an attempt to curb the trend.

And if you think I'm pulling your leg (did you know that term originated in Australia?), here's a link.

The video below features daggering, but it doesn't look particularly dangerous if you're flexible. If not, you could end up landing on your junk, and I imagine that's painful. I like this music, but it seems like it's only the beginning of a longer piece; it needs to segue into something with more melody.

trailer park stars

One of my readers sent a whole bunch of these to me. What if celebrities, by some twist of fate, never became famous and lived out their lives in trailer park obscurity?

Yes, that's Tommy "Tugger" Cruise, a night janitor at the medical clinic on Route 73. He still lives with his mom in Riverwood Estates, the mobile home park where the old Army depot used to be.

Then there's Britney "Twinkle" Spears, who recently finished cosmetology classes at Beaver County Community College and lives with her divorced sister in Golden Meadows Park. She's looking forward to her date this weekend with a man she met on the internet, a former special forces operative who goes by the handle of "Tugger."

I have a volcano fetish

Volcanoes fascinate me. When I was in elementary school, I did a report on them. I really got into it and did way more work than was necessary.

That's when I learned about Parícutin, a volcano that appeared suddenly one day in a Mexican cornfield in 1943. Within a week it was as tall as a five-story building. After a year, it was over a thousand feet. The idea that a mountain could grow in your own backyard intrigued me. I remember faithfully searching for signs of ash puffs in my parents' flowerbeds.

A few years later, I watched the two blockbuster films repeatedly on video about volcanoes suddenly appearing in the United States. It was my flowerbed idea come to life. I have watched both as an adult and can tell you that Dante's Peak is not nearly as insufferable as the other.

(If you're a volcano junkie, be sure to check out this site and this site. The picture below is of Tavurvur, which recently erupted in Papua New Guinea.)

It doesn't take an avowed Freudian to notice the similarity between volcanoes and the male penis. Perhaps my little pre-pubescent volcano-obsessed brain was really thinking about something else. When I was a teenager and my girlfriends and I discovered porn, most of them were repulsed by a Peter North vid where he came in volcanic proportions. I, however, was fascinated.

I was sadly disappointed by the first man whose eruption I witnessed in the flesh. I learned that Peter North was not the norm. I discovered with time, however, that different men had differing spurts but that many of them wanted to be inside you when they exploded. They were not interested in amateur scientific surveys.

I have not lost my fascination with watching a man orgasm. Sometimes when Darling Husband is tied up, I will tease an eruption out of him. I just love when I'm tickling his balls while talking dirty and, like Krakatoa, he will suddenly erupt all over the place. I think prolonging a man's orgasm makes him shoot both harder and farther. My sweetie will never top Peter North's record, but he still has an admirable explosion. His record, while seated, was somehow getting some on the top of his own head.

nobody wants Madonna nude

Has Madonna finally peaked?

A painting of a nude Madonna with ex-husband Guy Ritchie stroking her thigh by acclaimed Scottish artist Peter Howson failed to meet the reserve price of £15,000 at auction in Glasgow recently.

Although Howson's other nudes of the 50-year-old pop icon previously had sold well, it's either a sign of the weak economy or perhaps the star's eclipsing fame that have driven down demand.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think the painting looks that much like her. And Guy looks like an ogre, notwithstanding he's rather hunky in the flesh. The painting is pretty darn big too. I imagine it rather dominates a room.

most bizarre tattoo ever?

Just when I think I've found the most bizarre tattoo ever, I see one more that pushes the frontier to a new extreme.

Yes, a woman has a shrine to TV sitcom The Golden Girls tattooed on her thighs.

Guys, please answer me: if you were undressing this woman and saw this on her legs, what would you do?

All in all, the thigh tatt shows more artistic talent than the sloppy Mount Rushmore-inspired Golden Girls tribute inked on some guy's back.

is construction equipment sexy?

When I was researching Bing the other day, I somehow stumbled on this promo site featuring an old man with a sweet young thing. He takes her for a ride on his construction lift and, woo hee, she gets all hot and wants to have sex right then and there.

I had no idea construction equipment was such an aphrodisiac. Talk about your niche marketing.

funny papers hnt

As a variation on themes for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday, rather than inserting myself in artwork, I put the artwork on me. Darling Husband loves pretending to read these and then putting his finger inside as if to turn the page.

Happy HNT!

porn surfing with bing

Bing is Microsoft's answer to Google. The site debuted earlier this week and is touted as the next generation of search engine.

Bing is supposed to have superior crawling capabilities to Google in certain aspects, like with videos. Of course, if you're a porn afficionado, you probably want to know how good of a job it does finding X-rated fare.

I gave it a whirl and, in all honesty, I don't think it does any better job sniffing out smut than Google's video search feature. With both sites, you get quite a few bad hits when you try a specific subject. I searched for "Belladonna," for example, on both sites, and many of the results did not feature her. For some reason, Bing directed me to this video featuring a roadside taser incident in Utah when police stopped a speeder.

sucking Daniel Craig

Attention ladies (and any men) who have a desire to suck on Daniel Craig.

Del Monte in Britain is selling a limited edition Daniel Craig popsicle through June 7 in three flavors: blueberry, pomegranate, and cranberry.

Craig was immortalized in frozen sugar water after a public contest. Runners up included Jude Law, Ewan McGregor, and David Beckham.

Personally, I think frozen Daniel looks a little shriveled.

I'm wondering if they'll do the same thing with female stars. I have to think there would be much more of a market for that. What red-blooded straight man wouldn't want to take his tongue to someone like Christina Aguilera or Alicia Keys or Avril Lavigne?

What do you think guys? What frozen girl would you most like to lick all over her body?

whatever happened to the threeway?

A regular reader emailed recently and asked "whatever happened to you and your husband getting into a threeway with another woman?"

In short: nothing.

We still talk about it regularly but have not yet found any viable candidates. There's an adorable waitress at a Thai restaurant we frequent often, but she clearly seems like "wait until marriage" material. We also think she's related to the owner, who probably would not like his customers getting into wild, kinky sexual activities with his sweetly innocent relation.

Marla, the possibility I blogged about back in December, never pained out. She was just too flaky for the both of us.

I put a listing a few months back on an Australian swinging site but took it down after a while. The people responding were all rather icky.

So we have not given up hope. It will happen if and when it happens.

I'm tempted to order a book like this and start reading it at a cafe we sometimes frequent. Perhaps that might get the ball rolling. I still very much want to share Darling Husband with another submissive woman. It gets me all frisky just thinking about it.