night vision HNT

This week's Half-Nekkid Thursday continues my series of special-effects shots with the "night vision pantie raid."

I am sitting alone in my bedroom. I'm starting to get that crawly feeling that someone is watching me. Damn, I wish I had put some curtains on these windows. I look outside but cannot see anything in the dark. Little do I know that some pervy with night-vision goggles is watching me in my sheer panties. Naughty, naughty pervy man. You are so bad.

Well next time I'll fool you. I just won't wear any panties at all. You won't be able to see my panties then, ha ha!

good doggy?

I can't figure out if the dog in this picture is being obedient and bringing mommy's toy or running away with it. The pup has the sort of face they get when they don't want to give something over, notwithstanding the "drop it!" commands.

c-c-cold water

The hot water heater in our love cottage has died. Now we are experiencing first-hand the hassle of renting from a landlord who lives on another continent. We called the rental agent, who called the owner in the UK for clearance to have the heater fixed or replaced. The owner has not yet called back. No one knows where he is.

Meanwhile, we have to boil water on the stovetop for dishes, laundry, and baths. Showers, of course, are out of the question. Darling husband and I can shower at the gym, but that's a small consolation. No long, languid, erotic baths.

It's late autumn here now in Sydney so the bathroom is like 45 degrees Fahrenheit in the morning when I bathe. Even boiling four big pots of water does not make the tub water very warm. When I'm taking a bath, I feel like the woman pictured below.

My sweetie has offered to install a new water heater for free, which we'll buy, if we can credit the cost of materials against the rent. If our ultra-absentee landlord ever responds, hopefully he'll say yes.

monday haiku

his glorious cock
seeks to plumb my inner soul
I urge him onward

why are raincoats yellow?

This brings new meaning to the phrase, "if you've got it, flaunt it."

If little Miss Sunshine here gets you excited, you'd probably enjoy this homemade porn vid.

Anybody need a defibrillator?

what if marilyn monroe did porn?

I found the photo set excerpted below curious. More money went into this series compared to standard porn shoots, but that only seems to make its failings more glaring. I don't know about you, but I found it pretty much lacking in eroticism. Even without the explicit elements, the scene would appear over-stylized and simply a retread of a rather overly familiar icon.

Add in the pornographic element and what do you get? Nothing more, really. It could be seen as an artistic statement, but the context negates that -- the photos are a come-on for an X-rated website. Does this make you want to pay good money in this tight economy to see their porn?  Seems doubtful.

Porn doesn't need a stylized aesthetic quality; it needs more grounding in reality so viewers aren't reminded the people are simply humping for cash. This set, however, shouts out "it's all fake and only about the coin."

The full set can be found here (warning very NSFW).

penis map

If you're familiar with New York City, you'll probably find this post today of greater interest. The artwork shown below (click here for a much larger version) shows the New York subway system map reconfigured to match the most important part of the male anatomy.

I find it amusing that my old neighborhood, Chelsea, is located in one of the most sensitive parts of the male penis, according to this map. Coincidentally, I lived a few blogs from the renowned Museum of Sex.

If you're an available woman with an active libido, I don't think there's a better place to live than Manhattan. I was a New Yorker during Wall Street's zenith a few years back. There was never a shortage of smart, successful, sexy men who went out looking for girls like me. We knew exactly where to find each other. Some of them made investments for me, which is part of the reason I'm able to live off of such a sizable equity nut now. Fortunately, I got out while the market was still hot and parked everything in CDs.

I often wonder what some of those bad boys are up to these days. Of course, we never kept in touch for long after we went out separate ways. Those were the ephemeral days of fast money and easy sex. Now I'm a married woman who tumbles into bed at a reasonable hour every night, and I couldn't be happier.

warholian HNT

I think this is my favorite Half-Nekkid Thursday to date. It's my self-portrait homage to Andy Warhol.

If it was a real Warhol, it would cost $8 million. The funny truth about his silkscreens is he did little of the work himself. Much of it was done by his followers at The Factory who often worked for free.

As usual, click on the image to see a larger version.

I loved this

Hopefully this will bring a smile to your face like it did to mine. To see a larger version and to learn the story behind this, click on the video at any time while it plays.

sex accident

I wrote a post some six months ago about how I was working to win over my sweetie to more involved fellatio. I'm happy to report that the campaign has been successful.

Except...

Last week I was practicing on darling husband to start things off for the evening. One way to prolong the process is to stop shortly before he cums, then resume again a minute or two later. This makes for a more intense orgasm for him when it finally happens.

This is not an exact science, however, so I occasionally miscalculate. I stopped too late that night, so when I pulled back for a short intermission, he accidentally blasted baby batter right into my eye.

If you've ever had that happen, you know it's not comfortable. I went straight to the bathroom and rinsed it out; however, the following day I could see that I was developing conjunctivitis, also known as "pink eye." Fortunately, I had some medicine from a previous non-sexual bout, so I used the drops.

It got better for a few days, but then it got worse. So I decided to have it examined by the professional.

The doctor asked what happened. I answered that I got "something in it"? He asked did I know what? "Some liquid" I replied vaguely. He pressed for details, apparently fearing it was some household cleaner.

Now the doctor is a very proper middle-aged fellow who looks about as straight-laced as they come. I had no choice but to tell the truth: "my husband accidentally ejaculated semen in my eye."

I have never seen a more crimson blush. The poor man was speechless. He was so embarrassed that I blushed, too. He tried to speak a good six or seven times and finally shook his head.

Needless to say, after he finally collected himself, he gave me a prescription for a stronger medication which has done the trick.

pregnant douchebag

My friend Amanda and I are both "Hot Chicks With Douchebag" fans. I wrote about the site last October.

The very lovely Amanda, a working actress and model and my roommate for a while when I lived in Los Angeles, has spent countless hours combing the internet in search of douchebag images. She has befriended musclebound grips simply to be invited to their MySpace pages so she can hunt for douchey friends of theirs. She has, ladies and gentlemen, given her all to the cause.

Alas, Jay Louis a.k.a. DB1, who runs HCWDb, is more choosy than the snottiest of club doormen and the cruelist of casting directors. He has rejected most of Amanda's finds, although he has used some.

Amanda thought she had found the find of all finds, the pregnant douchebag, pictured below. Unfortunately, her submission was rejected. I said I would publicize it here for her in hopes that would offer some consolation because I do know I have some HCWDb regulars who stop by here.

I share Amanda's astonishment that he did not make the cut.

grandpa's wal-mart blowjob

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

fucking appropriate

Not my creation (except for number four), but I did cobble this together from several sources.

Without any further ado, I present:

The Top Ten Times When Saying 'Fuck' Was Appropriate

1. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" Noah, 4314 BC

2. "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC

3. "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Fuck, was it one light or two?" Paul Revere, 1775

5. "Where the fuck did all this water come from?" Titanic Captain, 1916

6. "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso, 1926

7. "Where the fuck are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937

8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein, 1940

9. "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

10. "C'mon, who the fuck's going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1995

scandal in six words

David over at "The Rest Is Still Unwritten" had a post up yesterday about how Ernest Hemingway once wrote a short story in six words: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." (Aside to single Manhattan women: David is hot, available, and has a cute dog.)

This has given rise to a frequent writing exercise where one strives to write a six-word sentence that tells something of a whole story. Unfortunately, people sometimes are sidetracked and end up writing abbreviated haiku. That's not the point; the six words should suggest both characters and story conflict, as brilliantly demonstrated in what Papa wrote, allegedly as a bar bet.

I thought it might be fun to come up with a six-word story that told of a scandal. I tried to incorporate both characters and conflict. Here are some of my results:

Her husband was easier to strangle.

Tuesday she realized she enjoyed bondage.

I never ask about lipstick stains.

She discovered she lost her panties.

The priest used my favorite vibrator.

He returned home reeking of quim.

The tall stranger tipped her $5,000.

She was late to her orgasm.

He always asked, "do it again?"

Try your hand at a six-word scandalous story in the comments; remember character and conflict, not just six clever words.

pash mosaic HNT

Here in Australia, "pash" is slang for a kiss with some tongue action. I was in the mood to do something featuring a kiss for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday, so I came on the idea of a mosaic using just the kiss portion from a picture with Darling Husband and moi.

My sweetie has the most wonderful tongue, somewhat pointed at the end but quite long and very wide. He puts it to all sorts of fantastic uses. Ladies, when you find a man who can touch the tip of his nose with his tongue, don't let him go.

indescribable sex

You know you've just had a really fantastic session of hot sex when you have to strip the bed and wash not only the sheets but also the mattress pad. And then put a fan in the window to dry out the wet spot in the mattress.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Someone commented here the other day about missing my sex entries. It's true I haven't posted much in that line lately. It's certainly not for a lack of shagging, however. Because Darling Husband and I are home four or five days a week now, we're sometimes having three romps a day instead of our normal two.

The more we're together, the less time I spend online. I'm way behind on email as a result (ducks incoming rotten vegetables). The more we're together, the less I think about sex, unless of course we're having sex. When we're apart, I tend to think about him, about him touching me, about him shagging me, then I go online.

So back to the fantastic session of hot fucking that caused a spontaneous laundry run.

If I haven't said it before, married sex is the best sex. Being so totally in love while it's happening with the person you love more than anything in the world is an experience you can't describe until you've experienced it. At least I can't.

One great thing about married sex is that you can have a fantastic time but to anyone who was watching, it would probably be pretty uninteresting after a while.

Take the laundry-inducing romp. We did exactly one position, for probably about an hour and a quarter. It's our favorite position, me sitting on him as we face each other. It was slow, hot, with lots of whispering and moaning, but not a whole lot of athleticism involved. In fact, neither he nor I really moved our bodies once we were in position. It was just faster, slower, edging, easing off, cumming, then easing back, and starting the cycle all over.

If anyone was filming us, they would've fallen asleep. If we were doing pay-per-minute cam porn, customers would want their money back.

But it was one of the best sessions we ever had. For whatever reason, I had several extreme orgasms, the can-hardly-catch-your-breath kind. Darling husband came five times in the span of a little more than an hour. Hence the mess once we'd finished.

So I apologize in advance if I don't write about sex more often, it's just that we're having such fantastic sex it's just not easy to describe.

Next time, however, rather than having to do all that wash, I think we'll just spread some newspapers.

Marilyn Chambers RIP

Porn legend and pioneer Marilyn Chambers was found dead in her Canyon Country, California, home over the weekend, a few days before her 57th birthday. Her cause of death is not yet known pending an autopsey, but authorities say no foul play was involved.

I met her once when she made a publicity appearance at a club where I worked. She was a very sweet, down-to-earth woman who had a wonderful, genuine spontaneity about her. When I was introduced to her, unlike some other celebrities I've met, she was more interested in talking about you than herself and paid me some very nice compliments. She was at once a famous personality and an ordinary person.

Chambers was never afraid to break the barrier in her films. She was reportedly the first woman to have interracial sex on camera and also to shave her pubic area. As well, she did anal, lesbian, double- and triple-penetration scenes long before other actresses.

While most porn icons from the 1970s long faded into obscurity, Chambers continued to appear in both erotic and mainstream films up until her death. She fully embraced who she was and refused to think of porn as ignoble or prurient.

foot fetish with rene russo

Today is my foot freak friend Ed's birthday. He also has a serious crush on Rene Russo. These shots from a recent Rene foot fetish shoot could have been custom made for Ed.

You have to admit Rene looks hot for 55. I hope I hold up that well. She hasn't acted in several years. I'm not up enough on celebrity gossip to know why. I do know she's happily married to screenwriter Dan Gilroy, so poor Ed doesn't stand a chance.

Happy birthday Ed!

happy easter

Don't forget to hump your honey bunny today!

I love LA

No that's not Jennifer Anniston in a new Hollywood comedy you see pictured below. That's an unnamed woman who led police on a wild forty-mile chase on Los Angeles area freeways Friday, reaching speeds as high as 100 miles per hour at times in her new Scion Xb. During her escapade, she frequently drove on the wrong side of the road and made wildly senseless loop-de-loops in the median strips doubling back on herself repeatedly.

You absolutely must watch the short video in this news piece to get a sense of her craziness and brazen idiocy. I particularly love how she flees from the police at one point, then turns back toward them again. Another highlight is the moment where she gets out of her vehicle, while still moving, and waves at the cops in a sort of shooing gesture.

It's times like these that I truly miss Los Angeles, where people have a penchant for bizarre stunts like this. I showed this to Darling Husband and said how I'd love to move back to Lotusland someday. He looked at me incredulously as if wondering how this made me want to go back to the land of fruits and nuts. I guess it's just an "only in LA" sort of thing. You can never really shake the place once you've lived there and it's gotten under your skin.

The driver is pictured in the back of a police vehicle as she was being driven away, apparently trying to plead her case to the media.

terminator porn

A few stills from the upcoming hot release Crazed Nympho Cyborgs VI.

On a slightly related note, for a while I dated a police officer who looked uncannily like Robert Patrick in Terminator 2. People would stop him on occasion and ask for his autograph when he was in uniform. He did not, however, melt into pools of liquid mercury. I'll have to write about Officer B sometime. He was a very sweet man.

beaux arts HNT

Here's another Photoshop artistic creation for this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday. This started life as an underexposed photograph of me watching television naked on the floor, but with some fiddling and futzing, a whole new look emerged.

I'm particularly pleased with this one. The gilting gives it an art nouveau feel with a twist of Gustav Klimt and a dash of Mary Cassatt. It's beaux arts meets HNT. A genre is born.

crossdressing in the park with george

Police in Lincoln, Nebraska, arrested a 43-year-old father minding his toddler son over the weekend after receiving a complaint that the man was dressed in "provocative women's clothing" and reading porn in a public park.

Authorities say the man, William Kaluf, was in the park at 1:15 p.m. "wearing pink fishnet women's stockings, no shoes, and a bra with a revealing woman's top."

When police attempted to arrest Kaluf on an outstanding warrant and for reading porn in front of his 23-month-old child, he escaped with the child, leading them in hot pursuit. He was apprehended as he attempted to drive home (d'oh!) and charged with child neglect, driving on a suspended license, fleeing to avoid arrest, no proof of insurance, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Police say Kaluf had "a large amount of both written and video pornography in his vehicle in plain view."

"It isn't a crime to be dressed that way," a police spokeswoman told the press. "We can't issue a ticket for a bad fashion decision but the crime is what was he doing with a small child. At that age, they're very impressionable and don't need to be exposed to porn, nor get into pursuit with officers with the child in the car."

The defendant is pictured below in his mugshot.

I hear a soulpatch with pink fishnets is the new black.

fashion fascists

Yes, every girl dreams of wearing couture, even if that dream looks like a nightmare.

Let's get serious. Who in their right mind would wear outfits like this?

I like clothes that make me feel pretty and sexy. I like to turn heads, maybe drop a few jaws, but I don't want to kill anyone with fright.

The first one looks like Napoleon designed maternity wear. The second resembles a yak morphing into a table lamp. The third one absolutely defies description, but the pose and makeup are just simply wretched.

You can bet not one of these ensembles rings up for less than $10,000.

wasting time here is productive

If your boss gives you a hard time about reading my blog, throw this in his or her face: workers who engage in "Workplace Internet Leisure Browsing" (WILB) are more productive than those who don’t, according to a recent study by the University of Melbourne.

The report found surfing the net at work for pleasure actually increases concentration levels and helps make a more productive workforce.

"People who surf the Internet for fun at work, within a reasonable limit of less than 20 percent of their total time in the office, are more productive by about 9 percent than those who don’t," says Dr. Brent Coker, from the university's Department of Management and Marketing. "Firms spend millions on software to block their employees from watching videos on YouTube, using social networking sites like Facebook or shopping online under the pretense that it costs millions in lost productivity; however, that’s not always the case."

If your boss doesn't believe you, here's a video of Coker in person, posted on YouTube, explaining the test results. Of course, if your employer blocks access to YouTube, you can't see this until after you clock out.

The study did not seem to include any observations about the value of adult WILB activity. But, logic would seem to dictate that if regular old Internet stuff made your more productive, some hot sexy studd online would boost things a little more, wouldn't they?

So purely in the interests of boosting your productivity, here's some WILB stimulation:

the power and the glory

Imagine enduring the hours and hours and hours of pain to wait until this masterpiece was finished. And who is not stirred by that faithful old motto of "Daughter, Country, Star Wars"?

Yes, the classic symbol of patriotism, the Old Glory Ankh With Floating Mismatched Hands, does battle with the Death Star, as asteroid-sized alphabet blocks rain down on this intergalactic conflagration.

The love handles and the little tufts of hair on the back of his biceps adds an enchanting final touch.

I know if I saw this fellow on the beach, I would be that close to leaving my husband because I just could not resist. Talk about a major chick magnet! Whoa Methuselah!

Does this qualify as an entry for Half Nekkid Sunday? Half Nekkid Armageddon?

the museum of bad art

I was reading online this week about The Museum of Bad Art and thought this was an April Fool's Day joke. The museum, however, is very real and is housed in two Massachusetts locations.

The institution's motto is "art too bad to be ignored." According to Marie Jackson, one of its cofounders, "we are here to celebrate an artist's right to fail, gloriously."

Although the museum's motto might seem to set the bar quite low, it holds rigorous attitudes about what they will accept. According to Jackson, "nine out of ten pieces don't get in because they're not bad enough. What an artist considers to be bad doesn't always meet our low standards."

To meet this strict substandard threshold, works must be original and have serious intent, but they must also have significant flaws without being boring or deliberately kitschy.

The institution's acquisition team scowers thrift shops, yardsales, and curb-side trash pickups for new selections, according to a staff person, who bears the distinguished title of "Permanent Interim Acting Director."

The museum is particularly excited about a recent acquisition, appearing below, entitled "Retch Like an Egyptian." I think it somewhat resembles a Ptolemic figure coughing up bottles of cosmetics while being attacked by giant sperm.

grandma pimp

When you hear "Utah grandma," a picture probably comes to mind of a nice Mormon lady who bakes cookies and volunteers at the children's library in town.

If so, you might want to put that idea on hold.

This week, police in Utah arrested grandma Brenda Joy Anderson on charges of pimping out her own granddaughter and daughter-in-law in a prostitution ring operating out of the family home in the upscale community of Lindon. The two younger women were also charged.

As well, Brenda Joy's son and his girlfriend were arrested on drug and weapons charges. No word if this son was married to the arrested daughter-in-law but, hey, in this family maybe having a wife and girlfriend was not an issue.

The business operated under the name "A Joyful Massage" and advertised on Craigslist and adult websites. Customers seeking legitimate massage therapy complained to authorities about extra services that were offered by Brenda Joy, thus triggering a month-long law enforcement investigation.

Police say they also recovered a client list with more than 1,200 people. No names have been released, but authorities say there may be potentially prominent Utahns on the roster.

One aspect of the matter I found particularly amusing: Brenda Joy may face a harsher penalty for "practicing massage therapy without a license" than for pimping.

Pictured below are the proud grandma and son. Good heavens, Utah is really a hotbed of sin.

moonbathing HNT

I was fiddling around with Photoshop on a different topless sunbathing photo for Half-Nekkid Thursday and came up with this. I think it makes me look like I'm lying outdoors on a night with a full moon. This was another Vegas shot Darling Husband took before we left for Australia.

I think this looks very artsy, like it could hang in a gallery in one of those oversized frames with a huge matte. You can click the photo for a much larger image. Happy HNT!

wonderful news

James and I have wonderful news. We both recently had a profound spiritual conversion and joined the Universal Temple of Great Wonder, which you may know is headed by His Supreme Karaite Holyness Umar Sakkath, affectionately known to all as Papa Umar. We will be moving to the Universal Temple compound within the next few days.

My husband and I have met personally with Papa Umar and pledged our supreme devotion to His Holyness, who is an absolutely wonderful man, and to his important work. While at first I didn't think I could live with some of the Temple rules, specifically the requirement of complete celibacy, Papa Umar has guided us both to a greater spiritual awareness.

I may not be able to keep up with the blog as much as usual now because I will be selling flowers twelve hours a day on the Sydney streets to help raise money for the Temple and His Holyness. We must all work hard to raise necessary funds for his new Learjet so he may spread his important message worldwide.

So for now, as Papa Umar says, "have a holy day and be sure to click!"