Los Angeles is burning

You've probably heard on the news about the terrible fires in the Los Angeles area. The burned areas are not actually within the city limits -- although one is now coming dangerously close -- but in towns north of LA.

I have quite a few good friends in Los Angeles who are, fortunately, out of harm's way. For part of the time when I lived there, I rented a room in a house very near to where the bad La Cañada fire is now burning. I'm not in touch with the homeowners any longer, but I imagine things are pretty awful for them. While their home probably is in no danger of actually burning because of the street location, the smoke and ash must be terrible.

Another friend lives about three miles from the western edge of the fire. While his house is in no danger because it's not in a canyon, he answered an email today saying the air in his neighborhood is "like sitting in a fireplace." He has all his windows closed and taped shut while he prays the power doesn't go out; if so, that will kill the air conditioning. With 105-degree temperatures, he'd be forced to open his windows and breathe the horrible air.

The most striking memories of LA fires I have is how much they resembled volcanoes on the horizon when burning. They were silent and ominous but strangely beautiful, too.

naked tableaux vivants

A model working for photographer Zach Hymen was arrested the other day for posing nude at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York during visiting hours.

One of Hyman's specialties is spontaneous solo shots of naked models in public places like city streets, churches, and the subway. (The cynical ex-Gothamite in me can't help but comment that this arrest occurred in the very same week Hyman happened to have his first gallery showing in Manhattan -- so was it a coincidence or publicity stunt?)

I suspect part of the reason she was busted may have been because Hyman did not clear the shoot in advance with museum authorities. Children were in attendance, including some pre-teen boys grinning appreciatively at the photoshoot as the naked model cavorted through a public gallery. I can imagine some of them will be submitting some rather enthusiastic "What I Did on My Summer Vacation" reports in coming weeks, with some unexpurgated verbal supplements in school corridors. I could see her pussy and everything!

That brought to mind Spencer Tunick, who takes public photographs featuring large groups of naked people, sometimes thousands at a time. To the best of my knowledge, no model has ever been arrested during a Tunick shoot, likely because he cooperates with authorities in advance. I've featured some of Tunick's work below.

anniversary poem

When I came into the kitchen the other morning at breakfast -- which happened to be the one-year anniversary of the day my husband and I met on a hot Nevada desert -- I saw a gift-wrapped box with a card. James is incurably sentimental, so I knew he would not forget the importance of that particular day. Inside the card he had written "one year ago today I met my dream girl" and had copied by hand the following Carl Sandburg poem, titled "Dream Girl":

You will come one day in a waver of love,
Tender as dew, impetuous as rain,
The tan of the sun will be on your skin,
The purr of the breeze in your murmuring speech,
You will pose with a hill-flower grace.

You will come, with your slim, expressive arms,
A poise of the head no sculptor has caught
And nuances spoken with shoulder and neck,
Your face in a pass-and-repass of moods
As many as skies in delicate change
Of cloud and blue and flimmering sun.

Yet, you may not come, O girl of a dream,
We may but pass as the world goes by
And take from a look of eyes into eyes,
A film of hope and a memoried day.

poor Britney

I've seen this like five hundred times, but it always makes me laugh. It's from roflrazzi.com, where anybody can make wacky captions for goofy celebrity photos.

demure HNT

After last week's Half-Nekkid Thursday, I decided for something a bit more temperate this time around.

It's winter down under, the equivalent of February in the Northern Hemisphere. I haven't been this pale since I left New York several years ago.

This week's HNT comes with a clue: you don't have to be part of the clique to figure it out.

Jessica Biel is highly dangerous

Jessica Biel has overtaken Brad Pitt as the most dangerous celebrity to search in cyberspace, according to a leading Internet security company.

Fans searching for Jessica Biel downloads, wallpaper, screen savers, photos, and videos have a one in five chance of landing at a Web site that’s tested positive for online threats like spyware, adware, spam, phishing, viruses, and other malware, thus potentially causing serious damage your personal computer.

The most "dangerous" celebrities are:

01. Jessica Biel
02. Beyoncé
03. Jennifer Aniston
04. Tom Brady
05. Jessica Simpson
06. Gisele Bundchen
07. Miley Cyrus
08. Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie (tied)
09. Ashley Tisdale
10. Brad Pitt

No word on how much safer (or not) it is to search for porn.

how internet porn is changing teen sex

The latest issue of Details magazine includes an article about how the easy access to porn online has changed teenage attitudes about sex. The deck to the piece says "Forget awkward fumblings in the back of the bus. Junior's thinking more along the lines of reverse-cowgirl anal."

One interesting statistic in the piece claims 90 percent of eight- to sixteen-year-olds have viewed pornography online. As a result, the writer suggests, many young men coming of age now expect things like ejaculating in a woman's face is accepted sexual behavior. One college student is quoted as saying about the first facial he delivered: "It was the happiest moment of my young life. There is just something about blowing a load in a chick's face that makes you feel like a man."

I'm a little suspicious of that quote. It seems too knowing. The "my young life" sounds a bit on the nose. Did the writer embellish the quote or was the student bragging for the writer?

That issue aside, my personal experience is that younger men, in particular, dig facials and ask if they can do it, but older men in their thirties or forties never even raise the subject. The article says, correctly so: "For most men over 30, facials aren't something you actually do. They're like car chases or hurling someone through a plate-glass window -- the difference between cinema and life. But the ubiquity of porn has blurred the line."

This is probably part of the reason women my age often favor older men. Guys in their early twenties too frequently see women as a means to an end -- getting off. If the woman waits with wide open mouth, all the better; that makes him feel like a porn star. He's a stud, a professional cocksman, the envy of his wanking fans watching at home alone. Chances are he's even filming the event on his camera phone. In short, he's thinking about himself, not her.

By the time a guy reaches thirty or so, however, he's had enough rejection. He realizes women need attention and pampering and spoiling. They're not just a Fleshlight with a pulse. You don't blow a load in their faces unless they beg you to unprompted. They're real flesh and blood, not icons on a computer screen begging for sperm.

Because it's a men's magazine, the article looks at the issue primarily from the male perspective, but I think the writer could have included insight from young women who are on the receiving end of this porn-inspired nascent sex. What does a typical sixteen year old girl, for example, think about being asked to participate in a porn reenactment?

At the end of the day, in my view, a guy who wants to pump his babybatter on a girl's face because he's seen it in porn is a boy thinking he's acting like a man. Deep down, he's still a boy. He has a lot to learn. It might impress his friends but no one else.

superman's sex life

My mind sometimes wanders to curious destinations. The other day, for instance, I wondered about Superman's sex life. The logical pieces just don't add up, if you think about it.

When Superman masturbates, why doesn't his semen fly half way across the country when he cums? I recall a Superboy comic when I was young about how a youthful Clark Kent had to learn how to moderate his sneezes after accidentally blowing down a barn. But men can't control the force of their ejaculations. So if he's jacking off in his Manhattan apartment, his splooge would end up in Kansas. Worse still, the bursting cum would blast a hole in every wall it passed through. So if Superman was wanking off, he could kill someone six blocks away with his super-semen as it ripped through building after building like a bullet.

Imagine what that would do inside a woman. How could he have sex without killing her?

Okay, so let's say Superman has some kind of heretofore undisclosed superpower that allows him to control the force of his ejaculation.

But wouldn't that still mean his jism was indestructible? He couldn't be able to exert any control over that. I remember a comic where Lois tried to cut Clark Kent's hair while he was sleeping, but the scissors broke.

So let's say he pulled out of Lois to keep from knocking her up and got some on her sheets -- it would never wash out. (It goes without saying he couldn't use a condom -- the thing would be shredded.)

I could see her telling one of her friends: "I swear to God, when Clark cums on my sheets, it never comes out in the wash. The stuff is worse than ink." She would've figured out pretty quickly something was up with Clark.

This raises another issue: Superman would have super-sperm. Once the little babymakers left his body, he couldn't control them. They're one-celled organisms, so they don't have a brain. Now a normal man's sperm cannot exit the woman's reproductive system, but that wouldn't be the case for super-sperm. What's to prevent those things from smashing through organs and swimming until they ended up in Lois's heart or her brain? That could kill her.

I worry about these things. I really do.

why slow sex is better

I didn't write this, but it's very wise advice for my male readers (and the women who want to ensure they perform). I cannot tell you the number of men I've slept with who need this kind of advice.

You're fit -- and strong. And when it comes to bedding your girl, you nail it fast and hard, just the way she likes it. Problem is, it's not the way she loves it. Learn more about the slow groove and you may just realize what women have known for years -- slow sex is better.

Why She Likes It Slow
1. Just because a woman is wet, that doesn't mean she's near climax. A good rule of thumb: Take the amount of time you think she needs, and double it. If she's ready sooner, you'll know it.

2. Synchronicity is overrated. We girls don't care when we have an orgasm -- as long as we get one. The longer you stimulate us -- and the slower you take things -- the more likely that becomes.

3. Hell, sex is fun. You rush through the workday and always try to be efficient, but when it comes to play -- any kind of play -- make it count. She needs the break and pleasure as much as you do.

Why You'll Benefit From Taking Your Time
1. Men need more time to recover from sex than women do. It's called a "refractory period," and there's little you can do to speed it up. Meaning, if you get off quickly, that's it -- end of show.

2. Sex is better than Tylenol. According to Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D., a porn star/prostitute turned sexed educator, sex promotes the production of pain-reducing compounds called neuropeptides.

3. Two words: stronger orgasms. The slower you take things, and the more times you get close to the edge without going over, the more powerful the release will be when you finally climax.

Here Are a Few Foolproof Pointers for
Lengthening the Time of Your Lovemaking
1. Do reps. According to the sex therapist Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., the stronger the muscles that control your orgasm are, the longer you'll last during sex. To strengthen them, contract the muscles you use to stop urinating for two seconds and release. Repeat 20-60 times daily.

2. Take deep breaths during sex. Forget reciting baseball stats. If you want to last longer, you need to slow your breathing down when you are close to ejaculating. Focusing on how quickly you inhale and exhale can help you avoid climaxing before you're ready.

3. While women just have one G spot, men have the equivalent of two: one near the prostate, and one on top of the penis, just below the head. That's why it's important to alternate between long and short strokes. You'll last longer, excite her, and get the extra stimulation you might other wise have missed banging it like a jackhammer.

By Belisa Vranich, Psy.D., from Men's Fitness magazine.

Lydia the tattooed lady

I'm guessing this image is circa 1910, based on her clothing and hairstyle. With those tattoos, she likely was some kind of sideshow attraction. She brings to mind the legendary tune first sung by Groucho Marx in the 1939 classic At the Circus:

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
She has eyes that folks adore so,
and a torso even more so.
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
Oh Lydia The Queen of Tattoo.
On her back is The Battle of Waterloo.
Beside it, The Wreck of the Hesperus too.
And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue.
You can learn a lot from Lydia!

When her robe is unfurled she will show you the world,
if you step up and tell her where.
For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree,
or Washington crossing The Delaware.

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
When her muscles start relaxin',
up the hill comes Andrew Jackson.
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
Oh Lydia The Queen of them all.
For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz,
with a view of Niagara that nobody has.
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz.
You can learn a lot from Lydia!

Come along and see Buffalo Bill with his lasso.
Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso.
Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon.
Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on.

Here is Grover Whelan unveilin' The Trilon.
Over on the west coast we have Treasure Isle-on.
Here's Nijinsky a-doin' the rhumba.
Here's her social security numba.

Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
Oh Lydia The Champ of them all.
She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet.
The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat.
And now the old boy's in command of the fleet,
for he went and married Lydia!

more mormon hotties

I wrote before about the Mormon pinup calendar. Apparently the new 2010 edition is out. I found these pictures on their official website, but I'm not sure if these are the new ones or this year's.

While they're all easy on the eyes, they seem somewhat dinky to me. Yet these used to be exactly the shape of men I once fancied. I'm so used to my Darling Husband now, who has considerably more muscle. The third one down, the guy in front of the drapes, is the best of the batch, in my opinion.

Two missionaries knocked on our cottage door a few months back, the only ones I've seen here. Needless to say they were not calendar material. One was from Utah, the other Nevada. The latter was particularly excited to learn I once lived in his home state. He asked me where I worked there, and I told him the truth. He blushed redder than his hair.

messy hnt

I apologize if anyone finds this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday image insalubrious. But, you know, this isn't a knitting blog. I hesitated to post this, not so much because of the subject matter, but because the shot makes my ass look fat. The angle of Darling Husband's camera is to blame.

and your little dog, too!

The dog's look in this homemade porn video is priceless.

seven traits of an irresistible man

I did not write this but agree with most of it. Take notes, guys.

We're not going to lie. A man boasting abs chiseled to perfection and biceps that pop just enough when flexed (without shredding shirts He-Man style) will no-doubt turn our heads. And even if caught mid check-him-out glance, we're not about to look away. Fit, toned bodies are the result of hard work and dedication to a healthy lifestyle. We certainly pay homage to that. But for a man to achieve a skyrocketing score on the sexiness scale there's got to be more to him than physical assets. Throw in these seven traits and he's guaranteed irresistible.

1. He Has Mastered The Wink. We don't know how they learn the technique but some guys really have the Richard Gere wink down pat. There's an art to this wink and getting it right can be tricky. It's more suave and smoky than cheeky and laughable. He's comfortable giving this signal and has the timing to the tee. Done right, this move is pure sexy. Caveat: The wink can be tricky to pull off. Practice first.

2. He Radiates Calm. It's sending shivers up our spine just thinking about how powerful a man's calm presence can be. Neurotic or hyper or frenzied is stressful, no matter how busy the man or what his excuse. But if he's got cool written all over his face and his gaze is pure steady and peaceful his sex appeal will shoot through the roof (think old-school James Dean). We women can unwillingly fall into the trap of over-worrying about things we can't control. A man who sets us at ease by reminding us how things always manage to work out in the end is absolutely hot.

3. He Takes Care Of Himself. Look, we're not saying it's a certain height or build that matters. If he keeps his body in relatively good shape this shows us he knows how to take care of himself. It also clues us in that he sets health as a priority. What's more, if he's active, working out even a few times a week, the endorphins his body is producing during gym sessions are sure to keep him in good spirits and energized. The bottom line: If he takes good care of himself he's likely to take good care of his partner (or at least help keep her motivated to do so). That's a turn-on.

4. He's Got Style. We don't want to give the wrong idea here. This is not to say he has to be one certain type of style, and that mimicking a prescribed "it" style is a surefire path to sexy (whether that's clean-cut, tattooed-up or punked-out). Not at all. Rather, what's attractive in a guy is that he has a style at all, a way of dressing that reflects in some way who he is and what he's into. A guy who wakes up hum-drum and throws the same dingy shirt and pair of jeans on every day? Not sexy. At all.

5. He Has A Manly Scent. Sounds so animalistic, we know. No man can control his natural scent, and it turns out our DNA compatibility dictates who smells good to us, anyway. But, every guy can augment his essence with a spritz (one will do just fine) of cologne. As long as it's not overdone, a man with a strong scent has the potential to drive women wild.

6. He Is Affectionate. Though we women try not to let on, affection (be it an arm around the shoulder or hand on the leg) lights us up like fireflies. Consider it your secret weapon. By affection, we do mean to include expressing your feelings through words, such as "I love you." It's amazing how many hot men fall short of sexy just for lack of articulating and showing their love. Let's put it this way: There are guys who reach out to their partner while driving, and there are guys who keep both hands on the wheel and eyes straight ahead. The lads of the former group qualify for sexy.

7. He Laughs Loud, Hard, Often. No news flash here. Comedy is highly enticing. It's worth noting though that there are different types of humor. The insecure comedy that's based on putting others down or calling them names doesn't gibe with us. But give us fun-loving, belly-jiggling jokes and laughter and you'll head straight to the top of the sexiness charts.

I found this here; the author is named "Julie Andrews," but I suspect not the singer.

porn hard times

The Los Angeles Times had an interesting article in yesterday's edition about how the porn industry has fallen on hard times. I haven't lived in LA for more than two years, but I still love to read their local newspaper. I miss California more than anyplace in the US. I'm still working on convincing Darling Husband that we should move there in a few years, once the economy crawls out of the commode.

Anyway, back to porn. The thrust (he he) of the article is how porn revenues are falling dramatically and pornstars are seeing serious cutbacks in income, due in significant part to the proliferation of free content online from sites like Pornhub, Pornotube, Redtube, YouPorn, and more.

One aspect the article didn't explore was the widespread mediocre quality of porn. The industry has always emphasized quantity over quality. I'm no economist but I understand the basics of supply and demand. When you have a whole lot of ho-hum supply that's largely similar, users will have little incentive to pay for it when they can find ho-humity for free.

I mean, really, look how many porn flicks are out there with plastic titted women moaning like cows. Most use about five basic set ups. The structure is the same: absurd come on, a few minutes of oral, a few positions of fucking, moving into anal, with everything ending in an obligatory pop shot in a female mouth or two. The performers often look bored, because they probably are. The excessive attention to closeups becomes tedious very quickly. There is zero seduction of any participant.

In contrast, if you have a niche company that focuses on high-quality, distinct product and tightly controls access to that product, they're much less likely to be suffering this fate. Look at a site like Kink.com and you'll see what I mean. While their product isn't for everyone, their business model should serve as a good example for the entire industry.

I've said here before I think there's also a crying need for porn that appeals to a female audience. I don't mean it has to be softer, either, with romance novel set-ups, gauzy shots, and sappy music. I mean films that show more of the man than his nipples to his knees. So much of porn does not appeal to me because the men are like mannequins in the scene. They're not participants. Show that man pleasing the woman, not just ramming into her. Talk to her; don't just repeat "oh God" 45,761 times.

At times, I've casually toyed with the idea of starting a small porn production company focusing on quality niche product that would appeal to women. I probably couldn't do that here in Australia because of various laws, but if we ever move back to the States, and the porn industry isn't totally dead by then, I might seriously consider it.

Now how absurd is this shot in an attempt at "something different"? Getting tapped on a mountain bike -- now that's so incredibly romantic and sexy. She looks as into this as, say, a tax audit.

man arrested for having sex with his car

No, that's not a typo. A man in New Mexico was arrested recently for having sex with his car.

He has been indicted on two counts of aggravated indecent exposure and one count of indecent exposure after police say children saw him simulating sex with his car in a grocery store parking lot.

Witnesses saw the arrested man, Danny Brawner, "humping" his car's trunk while shouting and swinging his arms in the air. His pants were around his ankles.

A police officer found Brawner asleep next to his car, apparently intoxicated. The officer woke him up and arrested him.

Because two children saw the sex act, Brawner faces aggravated indecent exposure charges, which are felonies. If convicted on all counts, he could spend four years in prison and attend mandatory counseling. If convicted of the aggravated indecent exposure charge, he would have to register as a sex offender.

This story, by the way, made it all the way around the globe to a paper here in Australia. People, this is the kind of image you're sending of our country abroad!

He joins the hall of shame which includes men who have had sex with bicycles, lamp posts, picnic tables, and other assorted inanimate stationary objects.

Not the lovely Danny below, but this picture works perfectly for this story!

oh my

Regular blog commenter Hubman sent this to me recently. I have to say I'm at a loss for words. No, maybe not quite. One word comes to mind: why?

question of the day

Is Viagra waterproof?

You go, Jack. At 72, you've got three young hotties in your boat. You're older than their combined ages. Their parents were in grade school when you made Easy Rider.

Just try to remember all their names.

suggestive hnt

A few weeks ago Darling Husband was taking pictures of me putting on lip gloss in a hotel bathroom mirror. I couldn't imagine what he found so captivating. When I saw the pictures, however, I realized why. I think you'll probably understand too, hence the reason I called this week's Half-Nekkid Thursday entry "suggestive."

It's like the banana scene with the courtesan in Dangerous Beauty. I remember watching the movie on cable with a rather dimwitted roommate. "Why is she trying to swallow that banana whole without peeling it?" Miss Ditz exclaimed. "That makes no sense."

what is erotic?

My erotic Tumblr now has close to 1,000 pictures. Popular images can either be reposted by another Tumblr user or "hearted" as a favorite. The more often this is done, the higher the "Tumblarity" factor.

It's interesting to observe which have been the most popular images out of that nearly 1,000. The all-time favorite of viewers is the monochrome garterbelt shot appearing below. I'm not quite sure what it is about that. I'm thinking it's something men see that I cannot.

Next is the dewey cockhead. Simple but erotic. Somebody is excited. Not a big surprise there. Third was a bit of a mystery for me. It was an amateur shot I converted into black and white on a whim. You can't see what's happening, but of course you can figure it out. Less is more in eroticism sometimes, I guess.

Miss Nipples didn't really surprise me. It's an innocent pose, but something about the image is so blatantly carnal. The last one was something of a surprise, too, however. You can't see much, and what's with that scar in her eyebrow?

What I find most surprising is how sometimes an image really strikes me as incredibly hot, yet no one responds to it by either reposting or "hearting." Taste really is fickle and personal.

don't judge my hair

I somehow found my way to Don't Judge My Hair, an engaging and diverting website featuring coiffure disasters of many varieties. I've included a sample below.

I wonder if people are ever tempted to toast Gary's hair around a campfire. Maybe he and the Faith Tones could go halfsies on a tractor trailer load of hairspray.

Always remember, unlike a tattoo, a bad hairdo can always grow out and one day again you can appear like a semi-normal human being.

keeping it up

Veteran smut photographer Billy Watson has an amusing but telling post on his well written blog "I Shoot Porn" about a strapping, endowed male on a recent set who developed serious wood issues. "I’m not saying his porno career is over," Billy writes, "but odds are it is."

Stories of newcomer male failures on porn shoots are so widespread that great-grandmothers in the wildest jungles of Sumatra even know about this phenomena. That's why only a few dozen straight male pornstars work at any one time and the reason you see the same guys ad nauseam in mainstream porn. (There are a few personal exceptions -- I could watch the feral Nacho Vidal for hours at a time, and I've always been a big fan of Christian, whom I wrote about last year.)

The reasons most men fail so horribly on porn sets is understandable and obvious. Women can fake it; men cannot -- it's just that simple. A photo shoot for shoes or fingernail polish can make you anxious. People futz around with the lights endlessly, worrying about a shadow on your shoulder. A car alarm beeps endlessly out at the curb. The phone won't stop ringing. A production assistant has a bad cough and a nasty sniff. Someone just ate something vile with garlic. Now try fucking in front of all that -- and convincingly.

What I've always found curious, however, is how men in private rarely have this problem, at least the men I used to date. That's one of the things I love about men: they just get so damn excited.

Men love to fuck and, no matter how often they get it, when they realize it's beginning to happen, they just blossom with eagerness. They go hands on immediately. They stop worrying whether they've been rushing you or if they'll blow their chances. Their faces break into delirious grins.

It's almost as if you can read their giddy little one-track minds: It's happening! OMG it's happening! Holy shit, holy fuck, hot damn, she's gonna fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me!! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!!! Their libido is happily high-fiving their testosterone.

And, of course, the little colonel stands up to salute quite readily and easily. The same man who would be totally flaccid and humiliated on a porn set now has difficulty tearing his chinos off because of a raging hard-on. (Editorial aside: I've always loved the phrase "raging hard-on"; it sounds like a character from a Godzilla movie -- a massive, raging phallus that batters a little fishing village into the harbor.)

This is why I almost always enjoyed going to bed with a man for the first time, even if he was a lousy lay. His unabashed joy at realizing he was about to get laid was such a turn-on for me. The more excited he got, the more turned on I got, which in turn made him all the more excited. When he started to tug away at my panties with shaking hands, the sheer euphoria in his voice was like a sexual elixir.

"Holy shit, you're soaking wet," he would say in an almost disbelieving whisper. It would be the same voice he'd use the next day when recounting his conquest to his envious friends. She couldn't keep her hands off me, and when I yanked off her panties, she was soaking wet! They, of course, would be skeptical.

Unfortunately, however, many men forget the thrill of that first conquest when a relationship begins to develop. That unbounded glee of the first night is often never seen again.

That's what separates most men from the few great lovers, I would suggest. A handful of men can genuinely convey that any subsequent encounter is like the very first time. As you disrobe, they exclaim with wonder at the site of your naked body, like they've never seen nor touched it before, or any woman for that matter. Look at that. You're so beautiful. Can I touch? Oh my God, you're perfect.

It's the thrill of that first time many times over. I love a man who is like this, genuinely and convincingly. I am happy to report I married one of them. He has seduced me so many times like it was our first time.

Something to think about guys when you're tugging at the wife's jammies -- make it like that first time. Remember that first night. Use your body's tactile memory. Don't just fuck her -- make love to her. She remembers that first night; show her you haven't forgotten.

arrestee blames cat for downloading porn

A Florida man arrested for possessing child pornography this week claimed to detectives that his cat downloaded the smut on his computer.

He was charged with ten counts of possession of child porn after detectives found more than 1,000 pornographic images of children on his computer, according to a police department news release.

The arrestee, Keith Griffin of Jensen Beach, told detectives he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard. When he returned, there would be strange material downloaded, according to a police report.

Detectives, however, did not buy this excuse. I imagine one of them might have asked, "well, why didn't you just turn off your computer?"

Griffin was being held in jail in lieu of a $250,000 bail.

One has to wonder if some brilliant lawyer will try to continue this "defense" once the case gets to trial. Imagine sitting on the jury and trying not to laugh.

(Just in case you think I'm making this up.)

gay nazi power

Continuing in my quest to find the most bizarre tattoo ever, I've stumbled on this little gem. I wonder if the artist's thought here was: "let's try to jam in as many conflicting icons as we can into one inking. Let's put a Nazi swastika armband on a homoerotic over-muscled unicorn bursting through a rainbow symbol of gay pride and then slap it on a guy's ass." The SS lightning bolts are a deft touch.

Little Adolph actually has a pretty decent set of buns. When they sag all to hell after thirty years of Biergarten revelry, however, I'll bet this little masterpiece won't look so darn special. I wonder what the Aryan Brotherhood thought of this when he became somebody's bitch at San Quentin.

four women and a man in a motel room

What does the phrase "four women and a man in a motel room" bring to mind?

Yes, it does sound like the plot of a porn movie. This, however, is a true story involving a man, his wife, three women... and some Crazy Glue.

A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel this week instead found himself bound, blindfolded, and with his penis glued to his stomach by four women bent on revenge, one who was his wife and the other three his forty-something lovers.

Now the women face up to six years in prison. They were each released on a $200 bond, which suggests someone in the justice system has a sense of humor.

The man met the women via Craigslist and thought he was meeting one to be bound with "sheer sheets" and blindfolded with a pillowcase for a "rub down." Once bound, the hookup cut off his underwear, glued down his cock, smacked him, and texted the other women to come from an adjacent room and join in. After verbally humiliating him and some more physical abuse, they left with his wallet, cellphone, keys, and car.

The man chewed through the sheets to escape. No report how he freed his willy. You have to wonder when the guy realized what was going on and if he had a hard-on while being glued. As Darling Husband said to me, that had to hurt if he did, once he lost his erection.

The women are pictured below in their mugshots. The wife is the first one. I love the one with the wild hair. She looks like she's still having a good time. Her accomplices, however, have a genuine "don't fuck with me" look.

Consider the ladies armed and sticky.

slingshot hnt

Did you know that panties make a self-defense slingshot for women in case of an emergency? I'm serious. A police officer told me this once.

If you're ever stranded in the boonies and need a weapon, first find a few small rocks about the size of a golf ball, then remove your panties, nestle a stone in the crotch, and fire. Reload and fire as necessary. Aim for the center of the forehead in the wild animal or pervy closing in on you. Supposedly the panty/slingshot will fire rocks faster and harder than if you attempt to pitch them.

Now is that a thematic Half-Nekkid Thursday tie-in or what?

On a related note, pantyhouse makes a terrific emergency fanbelt. Remove your pantyhose, knot the feet together tightly, and presto you have a new fanbelt.

social satire or politically incorrect?

I must admit I feel a little counter-intellectual when I see things like this.

Is this meant to be a biting social satire or is it just humor in poor taste? If you believe it's a stinging social satire as I do and you chuckle knowingly because of that reason, is the possible political incorrectness then overruled?

The creator seems to be equating the winning of a Buick on "Oprah" on the same covetous level as collecting Third-World children like designer accessories a la Madonna. At least that's the way I saw it, and that struck me as darkly humorous.

18th century barcode

Somehow I stumbled on this photo set designed to promote a porn website for women.

I can't say I found this erotic. First, the guys look more like they'd be interested in each other, not in the young lass. Second, rouge and pancake makeup do not make men look hunky. Third, I don't know any women who would be thrilled about a glass bottle shoved in her snatch, let alone watching it happen to another woman.

And then there's that barcode on the bottle in what's supposed to be an 18th century fantasy. What, they took the carriage down to ye olde convenience shoppe and waved the bottle over a watermill-powered laser scanner?

pussy painting

This makes for an interesting tattoo alternative without the irreversibility. Was this done with an airbrush? I'd have to think the creation thereof was rather ticklish or, possibly, a little too stimulating. I wonder how long it lasts?

Darling Husband was not wild about it, however, saying it would be like "French kissing a tiger."

if only Annie had a brain

The New York Times has a news story online about famed photographer Annie Leibovitz's dire financial straits.

The woman is probably the most financially successful photographer ever and enormously famous. She earns $3 million a year for her Vanity Fair shoots, another $2 million from Getty Images, plus a five-figure daily sum for commercial photo shoots. Yet she's defaulted on a $24 million personal loan, has tax liens of $1.4 million, plus owes $700,000 in unpaid bills. She stands to lose four houses and the rights to all her photographs in order to satisfy her debts.

If you read the article, you'll see that calling her a financial dingbat would be an understatement. Apparently money slips through her fingers like water.

Maybe because I had to survive on my own for seven years starting at age sixteen, I am both extremely frugal and absurdly careful with money. I can never understand people who have so much financial success at the same time they have so little money sense.

Below is one of Annie's commercial photographs.