schizophrenic chic

Here are some new designs featured in the latest Thom Browne runway show in Paris. Does anyone know any sane man who would wear clothes like this? They look like something worn by a homeless schizophrenic.

Notwithstanding I'm the child of two psychiatrists, I saw few mentally ill people during my upbringing. My parents did not consult patients at home and, like most shrinks, kept a high wall between their personal and professional lives.

When I was about ten, one of my father's patients showed up at the house unannounced one weekend day when only my older brother and I were home. My parents were both someplace with my sisters and my brother was unable to reach them. So he and I had to entertain the patient. My brother was about 22 at the time, so either just about to graduate from college or already in medical school.

The patient was not violent or acting out but nonetheless clearly troubled and confused. I recall distinctly, without being told, that I figured out he was pretty significantly medicated -- he had some difficulty speaking and his eyes had a darty, unfocused look. He also dressed in an ensemble that would fit well into a Thom Browne runway show.

I also recall with considerable pride how considerate my brother was to him. I imagne he displayed skills he would later use when he became a shrink himself. The patient was pretty down and my brother lifted his spirits.

I also remember distinctly that the patient was very good looking. That has stuck with me more than anything, because while one might be blessed with looks, one can be cursed in other ways.

three days without internet

My wireless internet service went down for almost three days without warning. I always try to be Be Prepared Girl so I generally keep a few days worth of blog posts queued in the event I'm away from the computer. Hopefully my sudden disappearance was unnoticed.

I'm online numerous times during the day for quick headline, weather, and financial functions. I didn't feel withdrawl when I can't go online but more of a mild annoyance. I rely on so many little things online -- paying bills, requesting library books, checking movie and TV listings, getting addresses and phone numbers, consulting maps -- so when the internet is unavailable, I feel more stranded than anything.

Dealing with customer service for my internet provider was a surreal experience, to say the least. Several times I called the customer service number and ended up being connected to a recording that told me, "we're sorry we're unable to assist you; you must contact us for further assistance." Huh?

another cuteness warning

I could not resist this. It's a young golden snub-nosed monkey. I found him here. Those little paws are just too adorable.

industrious

GIFs like this never fail to amuse me. Maybe I'm a reincarnated cat, and that's why the repetitive flashy imagery appeals to me.

gams hnt

The word gams to describe a woman's legs sounds like 1940s slang to me, like something from an old movie. "Get a load of the gams on that doll." It's actually much older than that and has been used since the 18th century to describe a woman's legs. I've heard the expression used here in Australia much more than in the U.S., where it seems close to nonexistent now, at least in my experience.

glacial pussy

My cousin in Pennsylvania sent me this. He found it on the internet -- it's an untouched photo of a glacial cave somewhere. Back in the keystone state, they're bracing for yet another heavy snow. If only something like this could be found at the end of the path after all the shoveling.

I do not miss snow. Not. One. Bit.

marilyn monroe's lost porn tape?

Since it's alleged discovery a few years ago, this has been purported to be a lost porn film of Marilyn Monroe, supposedly made when she was a nobody in the 1940s. Some swear it's the real thing while others are skeptical. I'm in the latter camp.

Monroe would have been about twenty at the time this movie was made. I don't think the woman in this film is that age. I'd guess she's well into her thirties. While the hair and the makeup is similar to a 1950s Monroe, it doesn't really look like Marilyn in the 1940s.

the caveman ravished me

I'm happy to report life has returned to normal. The husband is back home. I am smiling once again. The inside of my thighs are bruised.

He did not torture me and make me wait. He couldn't keep his hands off me in the car while I drove, which told me the inevitable would not be prolonged. The look in his eyes was so easy for me to read -- impatient and barely restrained animal lust. The ride home took under an hour, and as we got closer to the house, his restlessness became quite palpable.

Once inside the door, the old dog tottered up to greet him but looked woefully disappointed when he said "later fuzzbutt," hoisted me over his shoulder, and hightailed for the bedroom. The wall shook when he slammed the door. His hand quickly went under my dress and into my panties. He found me wet, grunted "good," and dumped me on the bed. My shaking hands reached for his belt-buckle, but in one quick sequence he had his jeans open and down to his thighs. He was already hard so he grabbed me close and plunged in.

What followed was so intense and delirious I have no clear recollection of what exactly happened and in what sequence. I do know at some point I looked at us in the mirror, my eyes stinging with our sweat, and I saw him pounding furiously into me with my legs up around his shoulders. The look on his face was one of intense determination, the same expression he gets when he bench presses.

Now he's feeling all guilty because of my bruises, but I couldn't be happier. This one went into the record books as one of our top three fucks. When we're dry and old and hobbling around, I will still hold this memory dear.

ultimate bedroom

The first thought in my mind, as I'm sure it is for many others: "what's it like to fuck in that room?"

I suspect it's in an underwater hotel and not a private home but the location is unknown. There's a pretty fantastic underwater hotel in Fiji that runs $30,000 (American and Australian) a week for a couple, and you only get to spend two of your six nights in the underwater rooms.

I'd don't know about you, but I have to be pretty damn wealthy before I dropped that kind of money on a hotel room.

sex dilemma

I will be picking up the husband later today. He already knows what I want.

I really, really need it. I can't wait. We have to get right to it.

When he knows I'm like this, he tends to drag out getting to it. He likes to tease. He needs me to beg.

This time is different. This is the longest we've been apart since we met. The urgency is much greater this time. I just need to be ravished and quickly and outrageously.

So I'm torn what to do about this. If I implore him to have at it straight away, not to play games, I'm wondering if I'll only make matters worse. He'll torment me with delay until I'm a quavering mess. Or might tie me up for an hour and tease me with a feather.

He won't see this blog post until after I've picked him up, so it's not like I'm putting ideas in his head.

Those ideas are already in there to begin with.

Oh what to do, what to do, what to do.

chastity belt punishment

I was listening to some program on the radio while driving yesterday. Several talking heads were discussing problems with repeat offenders in Australia, a situation most countries these days experience.

So the idea wandered into my brain: instead of sending some convicted criminals to prison, what if they were punished with high-tech chastity belts? Commit a theft and you're sentenced to a year without sex. A second offense and it's three years without fucking. How's that for a disincentive to crime?

Presumably a high-tech chastity belt could be designed which allows a man to eliminate bodily waste but prevents him from achieving an erection or attempting any kind of intercourse. The thing would also be impossible to remove.

I'm wondering when I'm not half-crazed with forced abstinence if this will actually still seem like a good idea. But hey, it can't be any worse than chain gangs or putting felons in club fed sorts of places. Some would say it's cruel and unusual punishment, but locking men up in tiny little rooms isn't exactly a walk in the park.

desperate housewife hnt

With the husband away, I am resorting to desperate measures. This one is worthless for cuddling.

flirting with strangers

Without a husband for the week, I'm sort of amazing myself at how I'm no longer designed to be a single person. It's not the sleeping alone or the silence in the house. I'm missing the subtle aspects of a male presence -- his little sounds, his slighter scents, his medley of warmths.

I had to go into the city yesterday and found myself gravitating several times toward an attractive solitary male of the species. On the train, it was the shy young laborer who blushed repeatedly and couldn't meet my eyes but wanted to talk. In the bookstore, it was the chatty middle-aged man in a nice business suit. Grabbing a salad, it was the soft-spoken policeman sitting alone off duty enjoying his lunch. In each of them, I saw a feature of my absent mate.

My wedding ring was prominent and the husband mentioned several times so there was no question about my intention. They nevertheless seemed to enjoy the sudden friendly female attention. But of course, none of them were him, so when I returned home, his absence was all the more intense.

Ricky Gervais gores the golden ox

Much is being made about comic Ricky Gervais's acerbic wit the other night at the Golden Globes (see a sample below, in case you missed it). I would not waste my time watching the show -- I'm not sure if it's even broadcast here in Australia -- but I did catch excerpts online later.

Having lived several years in Los Angeles, like most people anywhere near the periphery of the entertainment business, I gradually learned one of the worst-kept secrets in Lotusland: The Golden Globes are widely reviled and known to be a complete scam in Hollywood. The only reason anyone there gives it any attention or bothers to show up is because the outcome is seen as a marketing trendsetter for the all-important Oscars.

The ugly truth was exposed a few years ago in an excellent documentary called “The Golden Globes: Hollywood’s Dirty Little Secret. If you ever have a chance to see it, do so. As this article notes, "the group behind the Golden Globes, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, has about 90 members, and many have reputations more as star-struck fans and moochers than serious reporters."

Film critic John Powers describes the group’s members as "essentially just bottom-feeders around the industry, who’ve somehow been inflated to this point where their judgment is supposed to be very, very important."

So considering most everyone in that room didn't want to be there the other night, Gervais's routine was probably far more welcomed and less painful than most may have thought.

temporary abstinence

The Husband was offered an extremely lucrative and challenging diving gig out of town for the week. He'll be out to sea the entire time so there's no way I could tag along and stay in a motel for some nighttime trysts.

I suspect by Saturday I'll have gone a little crazy. I haven't been without sex for a week since I don't know how long.

bad anal sex advice

This advice column at Slate online magazine caught my eye. In a nutshell, a woman is head over heels in love with her boyfriend and he expresses the same sentiments. Problem is: he likes anal, she doesn't. So what is the advice columnist's solution? Dump him.

I'm guessing Little Miss Advice has never had a good buttfuck. Some of her catty asides suggest she's pretty ignorant about anal sex. That aside, she also seems poorly equipped to be dishing out advice.

Yes, anal can be unpleasant for some women and they can never get around that. But throwing in the towel isn't the solution, either. That's like saying, "well, I really liked the food at the restaurant, but the service was slow, so I torched the place when I was in the ladies room."

How about talking with the boyfriend about the problem? How about he learn some techniques to make anal pleasurable for his lady? How about they work together to find a solution rather than ditching an otherwise successful and loving relationship?

nude nuns with big guns

How could you not love a movie with that title? It's not porn. It's ultra-low budget schlock with lots of nudity but no graphic sex.

The promo reads: "Upon taking her vows to become a nun, Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed, and drugged into submission by the corrupt clergy. On the verge of death from a lethal dose of drugs, Sister Sarah receives a message from God telling her to take vengeance on all those who did her wrong. Armed with God's will and an arsenal of big guns, she dispenses judgment day on her former tormentors. When the church hires the merciless motorcycle gang the 'Los Muertos' to track down and kill her they soon realize that this sister is one bad mother."

I fear the impending Oscar nominations will overlook this masterpiece.

simpson's porn parody

TV parodies are hugely popular now in the porn business, as evidenced by the sheer number of titles. While they may be funny, this one in particularly could hardly be called erotic. Naked people the color of Gatorade just do not make me hot, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that opinion.

portal hnt

A window in a ruined building can be like a portal in time, giving you a glimpse of another world and a place you might not otherwise see, a secret glimpse seen by only your eye for a fraction of a second. This was shot in the Clare Valleycopper country in the state of South Australia. It was once a major mining center but no more and now is a rural agricultural region.

images finally restored

PimpAndHost.com has finally come fully back online so all my smutty images illustrating this blog are back. They had server capacity problems and dialed down the image sizes temporarily, which left everything terribly blurry. I use Blogger to host the horizontal images but don't like how they rescale the vertical ones.

I was worried the images might have been lost forever. I have backups but it would be a giant pain to go up and manually fix hundreds of images.

I wish I could find a way to organize all my smut. I have thousands of erotic images on my laptop. How do you organize that kind of thing?

end of the love shack

I've written here several times about the little cottage we first rented when we moved in together here in Australia. The property was sold out from under us, as we long expected, and we finally moved everything out a few weeks ago.

The place is a long half block from where we live now, but we rarely go out that end of the street. In truth, I have been avoiding driving by there because the little place looked so lonely sitting empty. It was our first home together, so it will always occupy a special place in my heart.

I happened to go by the cottage today coming home from an errand in the opposite direction. I tried not to look in the lane but, at the last minute, I couldn't help myself. Alas, I saw a bulldozer and a dumpster parked close to the shack. The little cottage was yet untouched, but its days or even hours are surely numbered.

I know if I hear equipment running and wood crunching while I'm outside, zero hour has arrived. I've already decided to take the dog and go someplace for the day if the husband is not home, and if he is, he's promised to take the two of us someplace. I think seeing an empty lot won't be as bad as seeing our poor little love shack just waiting waiting waiting for its inevitable fate or listening to it being eaten alive.

pissed-off readers

I posted this photo on my Tumblr recently with the caption "lunch." As the child of shrink parents, I'm familiar with word association psychological tests, where patients are shown a variety of unrelated pictures and must say the first word that comes to mind. That's how I caption my Tumblr.

Two readers wrote complaining emails about what a terrible person I was to joke about a tiger eating a human child. Well, I wasn't joking. That's the first word that came to mind. I'm sorry, but that's probably what the tiger would do if it had free access to the child. What, you think he'd talk to the tot like Tony the Tiger?

attention erotic fiction writers

Filament magazine, an erotica journal targeted to women, has announced a short fiction competition with a prize of £100 and publication. (That translates to about $160 American or Australian.)

There's no fee to enter, and the contest is open to both female and male writers. The submitted story should be on the theme of water and/or one of their supplied erotic images.

For complete entry rules, to see the images, and further details, be sure to click here. Don't tarry -- the submission deadline is the end of this month.

baby bat blankets

I know a lot of women and some men don't like bats. I'm not one of them. I think they're adorable and get a bad rap. They're a critical part of the environment and they eat pests.

We occasionally have one or several hanging in the rafters of our porch after dark. They always look so startled and helpless because they are, yes, blind as a bat. They actually can see but very poorly. We turn out the light and let them get back to sleep.

These little baby bats wrapped up in blankets were orphaned by the floods here and rescued. You can read more about them and see some more pictures here.

anorexia chic is dead

I can't believe photographers seek out models like this. And, no, it's not an old picture. It was just shot in the past few weeks and posted on a portfolio.

outback hnt

With pictures of the Australian floods in the international news, many people may forget much of the country is wild and dry, particularly its vast Outback. Far from being a wasteland, many interesting but hidden sites are tucked away which can be found by the clever explorer.

only fools and horses

If you're from the UK or one of the Commonwealth countries, you'll understand this tattoo. It's an homage to a popular British sitcom. I don't know if the show ever ran in the States.

I guess you really have to like a program a whole lot to do this to your body. Unfortunately, the likenesses are not good and don't really resemble the characters.

He joins the cast of other TV tattoos I've featured here on this blog.

australian floods

Several readers have very thoughtfully emailed me to ask if we were affected by the terrible flooding here in Australia. Fortunately we were not. We're about a thousand miles to the south of the affected area.

The disaster is affecting the tropical portion of the country, and we're in the temperate portion. In a rough comparison, they're like Florida up there and we're more like California, weather wise.

the dancing dildos

This is pretty hysterical. I thought at first it was from some old porn movie, but when I did some research, I learned it was from a Paramount movie called The First Nudie Musical. You can see it stars none other than Cindy Williams. Ron Howard also had a cameo role in the film but does not appear in this scene.

visiting a tattoo parlor

Last week, my husband and I passed a tattoo parlor where a man was getting inked in a chair right inside a large window. I had to watch for a while, because I've never seen one happening live.

On the way home my husband said that would be a perfect career for me -- I'm fascinated by tattoos yet wouldn't get one myself, so I could tattoo other people. I imagine I wouldn't be very successful because I'd try to talk most people out of getting one, particularly women. And what if you made a mistake? It's not like you could put white-out on someone's arm.

I found these pictures below online of a woman beginning an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist. She's practicing on a butternut squash. I wonder if she eats it when she's finished.

happy new year!

Happy New Year from Sydney, Australia, where the local powers-that-be have designated us as "the New Year's Eve capital of the world." The theory is that we're the first big international city to turn the new year. I guess they forgot about Auckland, New Zealand, which beat us by two hours.

May your 2011 be filled with unexpected pleasures and memorable surprises. And be sure to click the picture below to enjoy in its original size.