why some guys score & others don't

A recent email from another blogger got me to thinking about what went through my mind when I first enountered a guy. What was it about him that made me want to go home with him...or not?

Ultimately I think it boiled down to this:

confidence 
+ attention
+ animal attraction 
+ vulnerability 
- desperation 
= chance of success.

Let's boil down each variable in this equation:

Confidence -- I know speaking for both myself and other women with whom I've discussed this issue, the degree of self-confidence a man projects is very important. If a guy seems cool, at ease, comfortable in his own skin, that's really sexy. Watch George Clooney in a candid interview. The boy just oozes self-confidence. Don't, however, confuse self-confidence with cockiness. Men who are strident and arrogant are not sexy. I've encountered guys who dish out that "I'm the one you were looking for so let's go now" crap. That's not self-confidence. That's self-obsession. Big turnoff.

I think it almost goes without saying that you can't learn self-confidence. It's just something that comes with being happy with your place in life and your own successes. You can achieve self-confidence if you meet your goals and have a well-balanced life. But this isn't something you can force on yourself.

Attention -- This is all about paying attention to me, not you. When you make me feel like I'm the best thing you've experienced all week, without coming out and saying that, I'll probably respond. This has to be done artfully, however. If you pour it on too strong and it rings false, I'll know it right away. Some guys are like little horny poodles; they're practically humping my leg. That's just such a turn-off.

Lines like "I hope you know CPR because you just took my breath away" or "you're so hot you must be the one causing global warming" are just laughable. Attention is showing that he can figure out something about me, that he can pick up subtle signals and understand a little of what makes me tick. He gets me in a glance, even if that's only a partial picture, and responds accordingly. That attention seems fine-tuned and specific to me. I'm the one he's been looking for, not anyone else.

Animal attraction -- This is one of those things, unfortunately, that's entirely unpredictable. Yes, if you're in decent physical shape and well groomed, that helps. But you just can't splash on animal attraction. Humans are like many pack animal species -- there are a few alphas but most are not. Members of the opposite sex naturally gravitate toward the alphas.

How can you tell if you're an alpha male? If you have to ask that question, the answer is probably that you're not. Now that doesn't mean non-alphas should throw in the proverbial towel. After the alphas cull the herd, there are still plenty to go around. Yes, it's not fair that some guys have an edge, but then who ever said life was fair?

I will say that men who are both very confident and attentive in the right way seem to have a lot more animal attraction. Maybe that alpha nature gives them the inherent confidence and focus.

Vulnerability -- or what sometimes is called the "wounded bird syndrome." A man who exudes a certain vulnerability or a hint of painful damage brings out the protective instinct in some women, and I know that's certainly true about me. If he's just too fucking happy or chipper, if it never seems he's had some hardship in his life, then that's just not as appealing. If he's smiling but the eyes show a little pain, I want him more. I want to take him home to bed and make it all better for him.

Consider, for example, Jason Statham. The man, for some reason, seems to have such a sexy vulnerability about him. Yes, he laughs and smiles, but when he doesn't, there's something more happening there. He lets down his guard a little and you can see the tender, wounded soul beneath.

Desperation -- This is the deal killer. It also tends to exist in inverse proportion to a guy's self-confidence. The less confident he is, the more desperate he is to land you, and it shows painfully. This is much different, take note, than vulnerability.

A desperate guy doesn't want to take you home; he wants to take any girl home, and this urge is obvious. You get an immediate sense he'd settle for just about anyone. He needs to get laid. He hasn't been laid in a while. And he wears that desperation like an ill-fitting suit.

I once remember a piece of advice from someone I really respect: you will get what you need from other people if it doesn't seem like you need it at all. So if you can rise above desperation, you'll go a long way.

Now I realize my analysis here might seem ridiculously simplistic and formulaic to some. And it's not like I tallied up this equation for a guy upon first encounter. There was no "let's see, he seems 67 percent self-confident but 38 percent desperate and 12 percent vulnerable." I just know that these factors made the difference in some respect between success and failure for guys who wanted a piece of me.

I think back to the first time I met James, and he hit every one of these points more than any man I've encountered: he's very self-confident, he's effortlessly attentive, he exudes animal attraction, he has something of the wounded-bird syndrome, but he doesn't have a shred of desperation about him.

I just could not say "no" when the subject was broached. Because I had already made up my mind long before it came to that.